Sam's Dialogue

Putting in Bounty Challenge Prize[]

First Time[]

Winslow: Sam, would you please place your bounty on the table?
Sam: I hope I know what I'm doing.
(gets his banjo and sets it on the table)
Winslow: A banjo? Usually our bounties are more...powerful.
Max: Oh, it's powerful alright. It can eradicate eardrums within a 5-mile radius.

Following Times[]

Winslow: Your banjo, Sam?
Sam: (gets his banjo and sets it on the table)

Responses[]

Taunting[]

"Call My Bet!" (at least 4BB)[]

Y'know what would REALLY show me who's boss? Calling. Or folding. Or maybe slapping yourself in the face. That'll probably work.
If I wore shoes, I would NOT want to be in yours right now.
Go ahead, call it! I'm just a goofy talking dog. What would I know about combinatorial game theory, multivariant conditional probabilities, or aleph numbers?
I'll just be over here practicing my nonchalant look while you sweat this one out.
Max: Bwak-bwak-bwak-bwak-bwak! Sam: Stop taunting the chicken, Max.

"Call His Bet!" (at least 4BB)[]

If I were you, I'd take that as a direct challenge to my, er, personhood.
Sam: You know who I usually consult when I have to make a tough decision? Max: Faster pussycat! Kill! Kill!
This is just like watching armadillos roll into each other to please the comely armadillo queen!

Thinking[]

(standard; before [calling/betting/raising to make] at least 4BB)[]

Urrr...
Uhhh...
Ehhh...
Hmmm...
Ahhh...
Ahhh-ummmmm...
What to do, what to do, what to do...
Did I remember to put the cat out? Wait, I don't have a cat...
♪ That's why I'm happy to be King of the Creatures... ♪
Sam: What would Max do in a situation like this?
Max: (spins on the table, shouting) AGGH! BLACKHAWK DOWN! BLACKHAWK DOWN!
Sam: Okay, plan B.

(after consecutive small bets/raises and/or calls; before [calling/raising to make] at least 4BB)[]

Okay, which one of you bozos is bluffing?
Cripes, this is more complicated than that double date with the Siamese Triplets...
We're gonna look pretty silly if we're all bluffing...

(with a big bet to call; at least 5BB)[]

Just remember, it's only a game.
Don't be scared by the chips, don't be scared by the chips...
Max: Oh, Sam! Think of all the Hamdingers we could buy with that! (sigh)
Sam: Shh, I'm thinking.

Player Bets[]

(standard)[]

Is that a big bet? I've kinda lost track.
Not bad. Not really good, but not bad.
Hmmm...
Interesting. No wait, what's the opposite of that?

(after folding)[]

Oh yeah, I definitely made the right decision.

(big bet; at least 4BB)[]

Sam: El betto grande!
Max: Stop trying to be multicultural, Sam.
Oooh! Aaah! Fireworks noises!

Betting[]

(general)[]

I'll bet.
Betting.
I think I'll bet.
Okay, I'll bet.
I... bet.
I... bet?
I'll, uh...bet?

(small bet; less than 6BB)[]

I'll bet... THIS much.
Hmmm... I wonder what will happen if I throw in a few chips like... so.
This may look like a small bet, but just wait until it metastasizes.
Let's poke this pot with the pointy sticks of mathematical certainty.
Sam: Don't mind me... I'm just reeling you in like a marlin. A big, stupid marlin.
Max: Great poker face there, Sam. Oh yeah.

(big bet; at least 6BB)[]

One, two, three... oh what the heck! I'll just throw in a whole bunch and see what happens!
Let's take these chips out for a walk.
This is what the French call "Le Bet Royale".
Sam: How would Max put this? Oh yeah. "Hikeba!"
Max: Agh, do I really sound like that? How embarrassing.
This is my intimidating face. Are you intimidated yet?
Don't be alarmed... OK, be alarmed.

Player Raises[]

(standard)[]

Hmmm...
Not bad. Not really good, but not bad.

(small raise; to make up to 4BB)[]

Is that a big bet? I've kinda lost track.
Interesting. No wait, what's the opposite of that?

(big raise; to make more than 4BB)[]

(standard)[]

I don't want to alarm you, but I think you're having a psychotic break.
Is that a good idea? 'Cause honestly, I don't really know what I'm doing.
Good for you! (thumbs up)

(while still in play)[]

Y'know, most people would think twice about honking off a six-foot tall dog with an itchy trigger finger.
Sam: Hey! I thought we were friends.
Max: It's playing computer poker by itself, Sam. It doesn't have friends!

(after folding)[]

Hey, that was Max-level mean.
Oh yeah, I definitely made the right decision.

Raising[]

(general)[]

I'll raise.
Raise.
Let's raise.
I'll... raise!
I raise.
(menacingly) Raise...!

(small raise; to make less than 6BB)[]

This bet, like my beluga casserole, would look much better with a few chips sprinkled on top of it.
I'll call that and add a few more.
Normally I wouldn't raise, but you're giving off a high-pitched panicky vibe that only dogs can hear.
Max: (diabolically) Do it! Do it!
Sam: Fine! Raise. (tosses chips in)

(big raise; to make at least 6BB)[]

I'll call that and cover it with a sloppy mess of chips.
I can't count that small, so I guess I'll have to raise.
I call that a puny pile of chips. Have some more.
You're not getting out of here that jauntily.
Sam: Allow me to turn this hootenanny into a barnburner.
Max: "Hootenanny?" Are we Appalachians now?
If this doesn't drive you out of the hand, I'm gonna have to drag out Max's baby pictures.

(exclusive: reraise)[]

One good raise deserves another.
Sam: Sorry about this raise, but sometimes my common sense is overruled by the craziest impulses!
Max: I have a name, you know.
Sam: Hey Max, can I get some punctuation for this raise?
Max: Bam!
Sam: Looks like this hand needs to be about 35 percent crazier. Max?
Max: (shouting) Booga booga booga!
Sam: Maybe they call that a raise back in your hometown of Weenieville, but here in Macho Town we grow our raises a smidge bigger than that.
Claptrap: Do they also say "smidge" a lot in Macho Town?
Sam: In Macho Town, "smidge" is a fighting word.

Player Checks[]

Sam: I think your mouth's writing checks that haven't been properly endorsed.
Claptrap: Humans write checks with their mouths? Ewww!
(or, if Claptrap has either folded or been already eliminated)
Max: Ick, Mouth-checks!
Interesting. No wait, what's the opposite of that?

Checking[]

(general)[]

I'll check.
Check.
Check...!
Check...
I'll... check.
Check-o-rama.
Check-o.

(exclusive: last to check)[]

Don't laugh... don't laugh!... check.
No sense rocking the boat now.
Max: (diabolically) Bet! Bet! Bet!
Sam: Oh, hush. Check.
Sam: Hey Max, what do you think I should do?
Max: Uh, lose 30 pounds and move out of your parents' house?
...or...
Max: Tell her how you really feel before she runs away with Blaine.
...or...
Max: Oh I don't know, maybe get it looked at by a REAL doctor this time?
...or...
Max: Follow your dreams before they turn into nightmares?
(Whatever he says, the conversation continues as follows.)
Sam: About the hand, chucklehead.
Max: Oh! Check.
There's a fine line between brilliance and stupidity, and I'm pretty sure we're all straddling it like a Lithuanian lap dancer. Check.
Sam: I haven't seen so many weak-kneed checks since Max won the Eastern Bloc Karaoke Finals.
Max: Alles Klar, Der Kommissar! (probably a reference to Falco's song "Der Kommissar", containing the phrase "Alles klar, Herr Kommissar?" = "Everything's fine, Mr. Commissioner?")
(Sarcastically) Nothing like the thrill of high-stakes poker. Check.
Check-a-leck-a-hi check-a-hiney ho. (reference to Jambi's phrase "Mecca lecca hi, mecca hiney ho" from Pee-Wee's Playhouse)
You want a check? You can't handle the check! Heh. I love that movie (reference to the "You can't handle the truth" meme).
The check is in the mail... and it just arrived... 'cause it was overnight... and... sorry, I don't know where I was going with that.
Chowder! I mean, check! Where'd THAT come from?

Player Calls a Big Bet; more than 4BB[]

I don't want to alarm you, but I think you're having a psychotic break.
Is that a good idea? 'Cause honestly, I don't really know what I'm doing.
Yow. Tough call.
Good for you! (thumbs up)

Calling[]

(general)[]

I'll... call.
Call. (chuckles)
Call.
I call!
I call.
Call?
I think I'll call.
I call...

(calling the blinds)[]

I didn't really look at my cards, but I'm calling anyway.
I like these cards. Not like-like. That'd be weird.
I want to see what happens when these cards get together with their royal buddies.
Sam: I like the cut of these cards' jib. I'm in.
GLaDOS: I didn't realize cards had jibs.
Max: Or that you could cut them!

(calling small bet; less than 6BB)[]

I should raise this bet, but I kind of feel sorry for it.
We spend more money than that on gun oil. In a week. (holds his chips) Hold on... why do we go through so much gun oil? Anyway, call.
I call that bet "insignificant".
I could call bets this small until the cows came home, which makes me wonder why I'd be playing poker in a barn.
On the one hand, you're probably trying to string me along. On the other hand, that bet's so small that I just don't give a hoot! Call!

(calling big bet; at least 6BB)[]

My amygdala is telling me to run screaming from this bet, but what's my amygdala ever done for me anyway?
I probably shouldn't call this, but life's too short for good decisions.
That bet doesn't have nearly enough clowns to scare me away.
Meh, I've seen scarier piles in Bosco's restrooms. Call.
The doctor will see you now. Bwahahahahaaaaa...! Oh wait, I'm not a doctor.

(at the river before the showdown)[]

(general)[]

As I call, let's take a second to savor this ephemeral moment of quantum instability, before the inevitable cascade of collapsing probabilities starts killing our metaphorical poisoned cats.
I probably should fold, but I'm having too much fun.
No use turning the DeSoto around now.
Okay, time to see who's the biggest dummy here.
Let's do this thing.

(if there hasn't been a showdown in a while)[]

I probably should fold...but all this folding is starting to seriously grate my carrot.
For the love of the game, I'm putting a stop to all this folding.

Can't Afford Blind[]

Looks like it's time to start my inevitable comeback.

All In[]

(betting/raising)[]

(general)[]

All in!
All in.
All the heck in.
(uncertain/anxious) Fudge... all in.
(menacingly) All in...!

(more than $1,200)[]

Sam: All in.
Max: Sam, no! Think of the children!
Sam: What children?
Max: Um...
I'm not just all in, I'm ALL CAPS IN!
All right, time to separate the cottons from the lacey unmentionables.

(calling)[]

(general)[]

I guess I'll call.
(sigh) In for a penny, in for a kilogram.
(sigh) Hope this cliff has a parachute...
Be gentle...

(more than $1,200)[]

Max: You gonna call that?
Sam: Can't think of a reason not to.
One of us just stepped into a world of pain. I hope it wasn't me, 'cause I'm not wearing any shoes.
Sam: Only a fool or a madman would call that bet... Unfortunately for you, my partner is both of those things.
Max: I'm also a Pisces!

All In (reaction)[]

(standard)[]

Aw fuzznuggets.
Great day in the morning!

(Player Goes All In)[]

Max: (falling off his seat) Yargh!

(while duelling with The Player)[]

Well, dang!

Player Folds (After the Flop is Revealed)[]

Are you sure about that?
Folding suits you. Do more of it.
Folding? But you could've lost so much money!

Folding[]

(standard)[]

I fold.
I... fold.
Fold.
Nope.

(last to fold)[]

(general)[]

Ah, fahrvegnugen! Fold!
You magnificent bastard. Take it.
(frustrated) Ahhhhhh, take it.
Sam: Rats. It's yours.
Max: Wussssssss!
Sam: Way to undermine my confidence, little buddy.
As a professional detective-like guy, I really can't stand not knowing what you've got under there. But I also like keeping my money. So take it.
It appears that my cunning plan has taken a wrong turn at Albuquerque. Take it.

(from a pot worth at least $20,000)[]

Sam: The Germans have a word for a hand like this: "Grossscrewbengefeulen". Roughly translated, "the feeling that one is about to be hosed by a particularly large wager."
GLaDOS: That's not a real word.
Sam: Well, it should be. I'm out.
That's too rich for my blood. Or even Max's blood, and it's mostly comprised of rare earth minerals!
I like to think that every hand has some value...but not THIS much.
You're probably bluffing...but then again, so am I. So I'm out.

(leaving at least two opponents still in play)[]

I don't know what's going on here, but I'm pretty sure that I want no part of it.
This is too confusing for a simple guy like me.
I think I'll let you lovebirds pitch your woo without me.
All those years with Max have taught me that sometimes the best strategy is to curl up in a corner and let everyone else shoot at each other for a while.
This is shaping up to be what my granny used to call a "mother-bleepin' fudgebath." I'm out.

(pre-flop)[]

I think I'll sit this one out and work on my poker face for a while.
I wouldn't wish these cards on my best enemy. Or my worst friend. Or a middling acquaintence. Maybe Max'd like 'em.
Sam: Max! (holds up his hole cards)
Max: Banzai! (takes out his gun and shoots the cards, which are then tossed away by Sam)
Sam: Fold.
These cards are a disease... and this fold is the dangerously untested cure.
These cards smell worse than that unspeakable thing Max brought home that one time.
Max'd probably bet the farm on these cards, which probably explains why we're not farmers.
I can't even work up the enthusiasm to dismiss these cards with an overwraught simile.
(evil laughter) Oh sorry. These cards just reminded me of something funny Max said about sucking chest wounds. Fold.
Hole cards like these should be buried in a hole and never spoken of again.
I COULD brazenly bluff my way through this hand, but since I just said that out loud, I think I'll fold instead.

(exclusive: consecutive pre-flop folds)[]

I haven't seen a streak this ugly since Max "accidentally" sprinkled horse laxatives in the Bosco's banangatini.
This deck's gone colder than Max's beady little shark eyes.
If I'd wanted someone to fling garbage at me all night, I could've stayed home watching C-SPAN.
Sam: (to GLaDOS) Wait a minute, this run of crummy cards is just one of your twisted little experiments isn't it?
GLaDOS: Maybe. Or maybe you're just too cowardly to turn lemons into lemonade.
Looks like I'm folding... again.
Sam: Max'd love these last few hands. But then again, Max also loves poking himself in the eye with a stick.
Max: (with a finger in his eye) Hey Sam! I've think I've hit (slowly) brrrraaaain!
Sam: *sigh* If I was the kind of guy who used words like "jinxed," this is the kind of moment I'd use it.
Claptrap: But since you're not that kind of guy, what word ARE you gonna use?
Sam: "Boned?"

(anytime after the flop is revealed)[]

Well, THIS was a big mistake. And not one of the "we'll all laugh about it later" kinds, either.
It's time to lance this boil before its pus gets all over my chips.
That's one itch I shouldn't have scratched.
Ah well. It was worth a shot. A series of painful rabies shots.

(at the flop)[]

Sam: Okay, I'll just stuff that into the "bad idea" file, along with Max's Kickstarter.
Max: It would've WORKED if I knew what a Kickstarter was.
Sam: It's times like this I wish I had Max's devil-may-care attitude about money.
Max: (playing with paper currencies) Hey Sam, I'm wadding up twenties and making it graupel! Wheeeeeeeee! Mon-EEEEY!
You know how sometimes you bust a punk for robbing a bank, and it all seems to be going well until 23 random bystanders show up with proof that the punk was really in Coney Island judging a corn dog eating contest at the exact same time he was supposed to be robbing the bank? Well, this hand is exactly like that, only without the police brutality lawsuits.
Clown-piercing bullets are too expensive to waste on a hand like this.
I haven't seen a flop that bad since Max and I busted Dick Fosbury's evil twin.

(at the turn)[]

I'm washing my hands of this hand before I get sepsis.
Well, sometimes you get the bear...and sometimes you get the bear and realize you're stuck with a bear.
Sometimes an investigation leads to a dead end. And like most dead ends, this one's full of garbage and sleeping hobos.
*sigh* This is what I get for listening to the voices in Max's head.
These cards turned ugly faster than Max on a Fanta bender.

(at the river)[]

(annoyed) Aw, grawlix! Fold!
Like most of my adventures, this hand has left me confused, nauseous and broke. Fold.
I'm not used to being the slappee in hand-slapping situations.
It's hands like this that remind me why I usually let Max handle all the impulsive gambling decisions.
I think this hand has taught us all a very important lesson... but I'll be danged if I can figure out what.
*sigh* This hand has been as demoralizing as my couples' therapy.

Large Pot (at least $20,000)[]

Holy hip-hopping Halifax with a side of chili fries!
I haven't seen a pot that big since the attack of the 50 foot sous chef.

Showdown (Before Hole Card Reveal)[]

Is it too late for a nice friendly game of Whack-a-Rat?
Aces are high, right?

Showdown Card Reveal (Positive)[]

(general; 66%-100%)[]

Ah!
Oh yeah!
Yes!
Nice!
Yippee!
Yay!
All righty!
Nooo! I mean, yes!
Holyoake Massachussets!

(after hole card reveal; 66%-99%)[]

That's good right? For me I mean.

Showdown Card Reveal (Negative)[]

(general; 0%-34%)[]

Aw, no.
Dang!
Rats.
Frakking Frell!
Asterisks!
Crabcakes!
Shazbot!
Belgium!
(angry growling)

(after hole card reveal; 1%-34%)[]

Oof. I think I just got kicked in the statisticals.

(exclusive: 0% chance of winning before the river is revealed)[]

Max: Ooooh, you're the Walking Dead. Get it?
Sam: No.
Zero probability is still a probablity, right?
(To the tune of the "Funeral March") ♪ Dum, dum, da dum, dum, da dum, dum, dummy, dum... ♪
Looks like I've gone belly up, and so has my hand.
Oof, I'm drawing deader than Zombie Picasso.

Showdown Card Reveal (Uncertain/Even Probability; 35%-65%)[]

(after hole card reveal)[]

Urrrr...
You know what they say - when fate closes a door, luck opens a window, and karma deactivates the alarm system.
Now I'm more confused than chicken playing cricket. Or was that a cricket playing chicken?
Hmmm...

During Showdown[]

Come on, come on...

Winning[]

(winning a showdown and/or duelling with The Player)[]

Hey, I won! Neat!
The next time you play, you might want to have better cards.
Never bet against a Freelance Policeman on the edge... of his seat.
You didn't stand a chance once I decided to win.
Sam: Come to papa, little chips!
Max: Don't anthropomorphize the money, Max. I mean Sam.

(stealing the pot/everyone folds to him)[]

Don't be discouraged. Running in fear is a pretty natural response to a six-foot tall dog with a gun.
Y'know, if you keep indulging my transparent dishonesty, I'm gonna have to run for Congress.
Sam: Just so you know, I was bluffing my butt off in that hand.
(The following lines only appear if Ash is still at the table)
Ash: Looks like you've still got an extra butt or two to spare, chief.
(Sam looks downcast.)
Max: Oooh!
That was easy... TOO easy.
Sam: It's a good thing you all dropped out... I had a Royal Butterfly.
(The following lines are only used if Brock is still at the table)
Brock: Uh, that, uh... that's not a real hand.
Sam: Not yet.

(exclusive: consecutive wins)[]

Is this what good luck feels like?
Sam: More chips for me? I don't know what to say!
Max: Try "Djibouti", Sam!
Sam: Hey, I won again! I wonder what that means.
Max: It means you're on a roll, baby. Bet everything!
Sam: I know this little winning streak is just random luck, but-
Max: IN YOUR FACE, SUCKAHS! AHAHAHAHA!
Sam: What he said.
Winning streaks are like dating a beautiful woman. Enjoy them while you can, because it's only a matter of time before they dump you for being "weird" and "clingy".

(exclusive: after a long winless streak)[]

Sam: Wait, was that a pity win?
GLaDOS: No.
Brock: Nooooooo.
Ash: No way.
Claptrap: Maybe.
Sam: That's a relief! One more losing hand and I would've been forced to tag in Max!
Max: AWW!

Sam: That's more like it.
...if Claptrap is still at the table...
Claptrap: More like what?
Sam: It.
Max: What?
Sam: That.
Claptrap: What is it?
Max: It's more like something.
Sam: Annnnd scene.

Sam: It's about time. I was starting to feel like, like -
GLaDOS: A useless cog in an engine of despair?
...or...
Brock: A eunuch in a strip club?
...or...
Claptrap: A hopeless loser?
...or...
Ash: A rubber knife in a chainsaw fight?
To either of the suggested similes, Sam will reply as follows.
Sam: Um, no. But thanks for making me lose my train of thought.

Gets Good Hand (Straight or Better), But Still Didn't Win[]

Sam: Holy dubstepping Krishna on a souped-up Segway! What was that?
GLaDOS: You lost.
Sam: That's not fair.
GLaDOS: Fair? Are you suggesting that I'm...unfair?
Sam: Oh, no, no, no. You're the fairest killer robot I've ever seen.
Max: Smooooth, Sam.
That's the kind of loss that'll linger for weeks... or until Max does something funny. (Max makes armpit fart noises) Right. Where were we?
(in frustration) Pound symbol ampersand dollar sign!
I hate to see a good hand go to waste like that.

Player Wins With a Good Hand (AK, QQ, KK, AA or at least Three of a Kind)/Wins a Hand in Omaha Hold 'Em[]

If I had a hand like that it'd look really weird on the end of my dog arm.
I don't think even Harry Moleman would've messed up that hand.
Nice job keeping victory squarely in the jaw of victory.
Don't get cocky, kid.

Player Has a Bad Hand (High Card/One Pair)[]

Ew. You probably should've gotten out of that hand.
Well, that was...unique.
Wow, gutsy AND stupid. Well done.
Sam: Ick. I don't even think Max would've stayed in with those cards.
Max: Blech!
Psst, buddy... I don't wanna tell you how to play, but you really should've folded.
A polite opponent would've folded that crummy hand.

Loses With an Even Worse Hand Than The Player (High Card)[]

Sam: I don't know how I lost to that.
GLaDOS: Would you like me to explain to you in very small words?
Sam: Hey Max, get a picture! I just found a new and more hilarious way to lose!
Max: Sorry Sam, I left my camera in my other pants.
Sam: But you don't- Nevermind.

Splitting the Pot[]

I hate ties. They're so...balanced.
Humph. Maybe we could flip for it?

Starting a Duel with the Player[]

(general)[]

Hey, look, we're the only players left. Darwin's probably spinning in his grave!
Oh, great. How'm I gonna make small talk with a mute?
Looks like it's just you and me. I hope you brought some antibiotics, 'cause this is gonna sting.

(exclusive: within the first raising of the blinds)[]

Sam: I haven't seen a table clear that fast since Max's stuffed tripe Thanksgiving feast.
Max: The stuffing is tripe!

(exclusive: while the Bounty Item is out)[]

Looks like it's time to take out the ol' banjo-picking trash.

Player is Eliminated[]

(general)[]

Aw, and here I was just starting to contain my nausea at your hideous visage.
Sam: Hey, little buddy! Do we have a parting gift for our new friend?
Max: Only seething contempt, Sam!
Sam: Well, that's just swell.
Whew! That's a relief. The way those eyes kept staring at us all the time... (shudders)
Next time, try to let a guy get a word in edgewise, okay?

(while the Bounty Item is out)[]

(Sam hasn't been eliminated yet)
Sam: THAT'S a relief! WIthout my banjo, I was starting to have a Rocky Mountain Breakdown!

Eliminated From Play[]

Well, it was only money. At least we've still got each other, right Max? (Sam turns out, but Max looks bitterly disappointed, hanging his head) Max?
Sam: Hmm. Maybe next time I should read up on poker strategies instead of reading funny lists on the Internet.
Max: Hey Sam, check it out! "6 Pivotal Moments in History that Depended on Lunch Meats"!
Sam: Curse you, Max.
Sam: Are you sure about that? 'Cause I think Max stole one of my chips.
GLaDOS: I'm sure.
Max: Jeez Sam, have a little dignity.
Sam: What in the name of Walt Whitman's six-cylinder riding lawnmower just happened there?
GLaDOS: You lost. Would you like me to run a holographic replay?
Sam: No thanks. Max?
Max: Yes?
Sam: Take me someplace funny. Like the zoo.
Max: Sure, Sam.
Sam: I can't believe we got all dolled up for nothing.
Max: (drunkenly) Speak for yourself, Sam. I've made a couple hundred bucks cleaning out the beer gutters. Whee!
Sam: I think I've learned a very important lesson tonight.
Max: "Wheat bread is NOT an effective coagulant."
Sam: It's cute when you jam words together like you know what they mean.
Sam: I knew I shouldn't have listened to Max.
Max: Hey, don't drag MY fuzzy little butt into your Lame Cycle.
You've won THIS time, Lady Luck. But I'll be back, and like a rat in a maze, I'll be smarter, faster, and hungry for cheese.

Player Wins the Tournament (Inventory-Themed Tournaments Only)[]

That's all? I thought there'd be a swimsuit competition.
I knew I should have read up on the rules before coming down here.
Sam: Ooh, Max is never gonna let me hear the end of this.
Max: ♪ You lost to a ne-erd, you lost to a ne-erd! ♪ Everybody!
Sam: Nice game! Any chance for a rematch?
Max: To... (zoom in on Max) THE DEATH?

Player Wins the Bounty Challenge[]

Sam: Dang, there goes my banjo! Guess I'll have to take up the oboe.
Max seems quite unhappy.

Winning the Tournament[]

Sam: And THAT's how we do things downtown, homies!
Max: "We"?
(beat)
Sam: That's how I do things downtown, homies!
Max: "Homies"?
One hundred K! That should just about cover last week's wrongful arrest lawsuits!
Sam: Score one for the Freelance Popo!
Max: Don't say "Popo," Sam.
A few more tournaments, and I can finally buy that vocal reconstructive surgery that everyone keeps bugging me about.
Wow, that was like taking candy from a bunch of hard-drinking, foul-mouthed babies.
Sam: Hey, Max! Call up the commissioner and tell him we're taking a three-month road trip!
Max: House on the Rock?
Sam: House on the Rock!
Max: Yaaaay!

Player is Idle[]

Sam: Hey, Max? Check on the mime, will ya?
Max: (pops up in front of the camera) Don't walk into the liiiiight...
Okay, let's just ignore the baby until he makes his move.
Sam: Don't make me send Max over there!
Max: I've got a rubber chicken and I'm not afraid to use it!
Stop staring at me!
Yo, slothy! Some of us are aging in dog-minutes over here.
Is this some kind of stalling tactic?

Special[]

Many players fold

Sam: I haven't seen so much folding since Max and I busted that underground bed making contest.
Max: That never happened, Sam!
...or...
Max: There was blood and goosefeathers everywhere!
...or...
Max: Those skells bounced off the sheets like quarters!

Lots of showdowns have taken place recently

Sam: The tension of all these showdowns is nigh unbearable.
Claptrap: I hope it lasts!

No one has been eliminated by the first raising of the blinds

Could one of you guys drop out? Crowds make me nervous.

Above condition while the Bounty Item is Out

Are you sure you want my banjo? You strike me more of a mandolin type.
Psst! If you give up now, I'll let you know where Max keeps his gun!

When Getting a Drink[]

A drink? Well, I don't usually indulge, but I don't usually blow Max's college money on games of chance, either. Thanks!
Sam: Another drink? My taste buds are tingling!
Max: That's your liver's distress signal, Sam.
Opa!
Sam: Nothing like a good drink with close friends.
Max: Maybe later we'll go home and try both.
Sam: I hope you're not trying to get me drunk. Max and I have mastered the secret art of maintaining sobriety.
Max: So... "Slapping Each Other in the Face" is an art now?

Drinking[]

(belch)
(hiccup)
Blegh! (coughing)

Initiating Conversations[]

With Brock[]

Sam: You play a lot of poker, Brock?
Brock: Look, I know my way around a table. Of course, the stakes I play for are usually... juicier.
Sam: "Juicier"? Like Mookie Wilson rookie cards juicier?
Brock: Well, "juicier" like launch codes, pinkie fingers, sexual favors, that kind of thing.
Depending on Brock's luck at the time of the question, Sam could say one of the following:
Sam: I guess it's a good thing the stakes are so low tonight; the way your luck's been running, you'd be out of fingers by now!
...or...
Sam: Too bad the stakes are so low tonight; the way your luck's running, you could've been in for some smoochies!
Either way, Brock will answer Sam as follows.
Brock: The night's still young.
Sam: Y'know, Brock, you remind me of someone.
Brock: I get that a lot. People say I talk like some guy they saw on television.
Sam: Nah, it's not that... (*realizes*) Sal!
Brock: Sal?
Sam: Sal the giant talking cockroach! Helluva guy, Sal, you woulda liked him.
Brock: Oh, he's dead?
Sam: He gave his life to save the city from my partner's super-ego.
Brock: Super-ego, right...
Sam: No, really! Max's super-ego threw a colossal hissy fit and turned Max into some sort of rampaging elder god (*Max winks*) and our friend Sybil was thirteen months pregnant, and Stinky and Sal were making out and... (*Brock looks at him suspiciously*) Wow, it really does sound crazy when I say it out loud.
Max: I still believe you Sam.

With Claptrap[]

Sam: Have you been merchandised yet, Claptrap?
Claptrap: Have I been merchandised? Bubelah, my image is plastered on so much crap that even I'M getting sick of it! Coffee mugs, t-shirts, feminine hygiene products... and that's not even counting the 43 different action figures.
Sam: (intrigued) Action figures?
Claptrap: Oh yeah. You want one?
Sam: (excitedly) Yeah! (normal) Uh, not for me, of course. It's for my, uh, friend, Max.
Max: Don't go dragging me into your arrested adolescence.
Claptrap: Tell you what. Meet me behind the Inventory after the tournament, and I'll set your "friend" up with a rare mint-condition "Worm Dancing" Claptrap.
Sam: (victoriously) Yes! ...I-I mean, I'm sure Max'll be very happy.
Sam: You're more emotional than most of the robots I've met.
Claptrap: All CL4P-TP General Purpose Robots are equipped with 8th Generation Emotive Resonators, allowing them to mimic a panoply of human emotions, ranging from sarcastic sympathy to wildly unbridled enthusiasm!
Sam: So you don't actually feel emotions, you just fake them?
Claptrap: There's a difference?
Sam: Uh, lemme get back to you on that.
Sam: Something's been bothering me about you.
Claptrap: Is it my raw animal magnetism?
Sam: Well yeah, but what I'm really wondering about is your wheel.
Claptrap: What about it? I don't have toilet paper stuck on it again, do I?
Sam: No, but you've only got one. How do you stay balanced?
Claptrap: Omigod, you're right! Aieeee! (Claptrap sways, ready to fall off of his chair, but gets over) Just kidding. I got more gyroscopes up in here than the Hubble.

With Brock and Claptrap[]

Sam: Five.
Brock: Five what?
Sam: Fingers. You've got five of 'em. I only have four.
Brock: Yeah, I've been trying not to stare.
Sam: What's it like, having five?
Brock: It uh, is what it is. The pinky comes in really handy when you're choking someone out.
Sam: Ooh, Max'd like that.
Brock: So uh, what's it like with four?
Sam: Can't complain. Between the fingers and toes, I'm practically built for the computer age.
Brock: Yeah, how so?
Max: We're hexcidecimal, baby!
(Sam and Max both hold up their hands)
Sam: I guess you could say for us, the computer age has been a regular (camera zooms in on Sam) digital revolution.
Claptrap: Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
Sam: Don't do that.
Claptrap: Sorryyyyyyyyy!
Sam: Is it true that Doc Venture was in a video game back in the '70s?
Brock: Yeah, uh... back in the cartoon days, someone thought it'd be a good idea to turn Rusty's adventures into a video game. It, uh... made that E.T. game look like Halo.
Claptrap: What about you, big guy? You ever star in a video game?
Brock: Not, uh... intentionally.
Sam: A comment that cryptic usually comes with a story.
Brock: A few years back some punks snuck my image into a Mortal Kombat knock-off as one of those unlockable Easter Egg deals.
Claptrap: Mortal Kombat knock-off, hmm... Immortal Bomcat! Th-that-that was you! Wh-wh-what did they call you?
Brock: (angry look) ...Tutu Blondie.
Claptrap: Tutu Blondie! With the Death Smooch fatality move, oh yeah! I-I-I think I even have a sound file...
(Claptrap plays a tape)
Brock's voice (on tape): Missed me, missed me, now you have to kiss me!
Sam: Sounds like you had a promising side-career there, Brock. What happened?
Brock: The company went bankrupt...with extreme prejudice.
Sam: Did you know that there are jellyfish that can live forever?
Brock: Yeah, but who wants to be an immortal jellyfish?
Sam: I guess that would be pretty dull. Drift, drift, drift, sting. Drift, drift, drift, sting...
Claptrap: You know, as long as I get fresh batteries every couple hundred years, I'm pretty sure that I'M effectively immortal. That's really depressing!
Sam: I wouldn't worry about it. The way you're going, I'm pretty sure someone'll put you of your misery long before the ennui of immortality kicks in.
Claptrap: Promise?
Brock: Trust me, I'll pull the trigger myself.

With Brock and Ash[]

Sam: Sometimes I wish I had a giant mandible like you guys.
Ash: Hey! Who gave you permission to look at my mandible!?
Brock: He's talking about our chins, dumbass.
Ash: Oh. I-I knew that.
Sam: You two have such manly, dame-swooning jawbones, while I'm stuck with this petite little thing.
Ash: It's not the size of your chin, Sam. It's what you do with it that counts.

With GLaDOS and Ash[]

Sam: Y'know, I love a moody noir setting as much as the next hard-boiled cop-like guy, but do you think you could turn up the lights a little? I'd like to get a better look at the cockroaches nibbling my toes.
GLaDOS: I'm afraid I can't do that Sam. And those aren't cockroaches.
Ash: Can't, or won't?
GLaDOS: Management froze me out of the lighting systems after I created a strobe effect to induce seizures in a bus full of Freemasons. It was an...illuminating experiment.
Ash: You made that up just for the pun, didn't you?
GLaDOS: Maybe. Say "cheese". (camera flash from her "eye")
Sam: I hate to be THAT guy, but your chainsaw's leaking on my pants.
Ash: Sorry about that, Marmaduke. I just like to be prepared.
Sam: For what, an attack of the triffids?
Ash: Triffids, deadites, vampires, nightmare demons. Or maybe just your everyday killer robot.
GLaDOS: Chainsaws. Like those would work.

With Claptrap and GLaDOS[]

(only happens during/after Claptrap and GLaDOS' Brief Dating Days)
Sam: You're more emotional than most of the robots I've met.
Claptrap: All CL4P-TP General Purpose Robots are equipped with 8th Generation Emotive Resonators, allowing them to mimic a panoply of human emotions from sarcastic sympathy to wildly unbridled enthusiasm!
Sam: So you don't actually feel emotions, you just fake them?
Claptrap: Ummmm...
GLaDOS: Don't worry. I'm faking it, too.

With Brock, Claptrap, and Ash[]

Sam: My eyes are up here, Ash.
Ash: I'm just trying to figure out why you wear pants and your buddy over there doesn't.
Sam: Max says he likes the feel of the wind against his unspeakable nether regions.
Claptrap: Him and me both, brother!
(Max appears alongside Claptrap and they both raise their arms up)
Claptrap and Max: Wheee!
Brock: Well, there goes my libido for a week.
Ash: But why do YOU wear pants, Sam?
Sam: Because they match my jacket.
Ash: Uhhhh, never mind.
Sam: Oh dang. I just caught myself thinking about thinking again.
Brock: Ooh, metacognition spirals. Nasty.
Sam: Is that where you keep staring at your hands while your internal volume is cranked up to 11?
Ash: That sounds more like a stroke.
Claptrap: Walk into the light!
Sam: (belches) Whoops. Guess it was just gas.
Sam: I don't know about you guys, but I love living in the 21st century. Pull top soup cans, resealable bags of shredded cheese, obese criminals who obligingly wear their pants below their behinds for easy tripping. It's a golden age.
Brock: And what about the medical stuff? They're making pills that unleash tiny robots into your arteries! How awesome is that?
Ash: Robots, shmobots! At S-Mart, we've started selling these jackets that dry themselves when they get wet!
Claptrap: Oh, you guys are gonna be SO bummed when the robot invasion comes.

With GLaDOS, Brock and Claptrap[]

(only happens when Ash is eliminated)
Sam: That Ash guy's a little... what's the word?
Brock: Nervous?
Claptrap: Effed up?
GLaDOS: Dangerously unbalanced?
Sam: Sure, let's go with those.
Claptrap: Can you blame him? He's not like the rest of us born-for-adventure types. Ash Williams is just a normal guy, thrust into a world of insanity.
Sam: What happened to him?
Claptrap: Legend has it that one day, he opened the wrong book at the wrong time, and that ever since then, he's been a magnet for demons, succubi, and the armies of hell. (Claptrap plays a tape of growling monsters)
Sam: That happened to Max for a few weeks after he read The Fountainhead.

With GLaDOS, Brock and Ash[]

Sam: Not that I've been staring uncomfortably at your rock-hard abs or anything, but you guys seem pretty fit.
Brock: You goin' anywhere with this?
Sam: How do you keep off the weight?
Ash: Mostly by running and screaming. Swinging around a chainsaw's also great for the lats.
Brock: (proudly) Well, I...I'm more of an isometrics kind of guy. Twisting necks until they splinter takes a crate load of dynamic tension.
Sam: I do that kind of stuff all the time, but my belly's still as jiggly and off-putting as a Three's Company reunion special.
GLaDOS: It could be your diet. An analysis of your saliva indicates that your internal organs are almost entirely comprised of cellophane-wrapped meat byproducts, mass-produced spongelike deserts, and an impenetrable substance known only as "Fudgey Freezes".
Sam: Wait a minute, those things are BAD for me?
GLaDOS: Initially, yes. Now, the preservatives are the only thing keeping you alive. Of course, they're also responsible for your... girth. It's a bit of a Catch-22. I love those.
Sam: Any of you got some advice on looking for a new barber?
Ash: What happened to your old one?
Sam: He's getting too old and shaky to navigate around my neck folds.
Max: And his barbershop smells like cabbage!
GLaDOS: You could try looking at barbershop reviews on the Internet. Those are always accurate and trustworthy.
Ash: I get my hair cut by the students at the barber college across from the S-Mart. Sure, I sometimes get an accidental Shemp-style, but it's totally worth the extra ten bucks in my pocket.
Brock: The only person who's allowed to come near my head with a pair of scissors is Mrs. Lily over at Happy Pretty Lady Hair and Nails. But she's kind of on an exclusive contract.
Sam: I guess I'll just have to let Max cut it for a while.
(Max looks over with a big, evil grin on his face)
(only happens when Claptrap is eliminated)
Sam: Does it make me a bad person to say that I'm kind of happy that Claptrap's busted out?
Brock: (chuckling) Well, you- you're not really a person, you're more of an anthropomorphic dog-thing.
Sam: Thanks?
Ash: What steroid-breath is trying to say is, don't worry about it. Claptrap's a funny, uh, robot but he can get a little annoying after a while.
Brock: Like that rabbity thing that keeps popping up over your shoulder.
Max: Ooh-ho-ho-ho! Burrrrrrrrn! (suddenly realising he's being compared to Claptrap) Wait a minute...
GLaDOS: He isn't that bad. Compared to the rest of you.
...or exclusively during Claptrap and GLaDOS' Brief Dating Days...
GLaDOS: Do humans usually insult someone's boyfriend in front of their face or did you forget I was here?

With GLaDOS, Claptrap and Ash[]

Sam: Not that I'm complaining, but is it always so quiet in here?
GLaDOS: The Inventory has seen a 23 percent decline in customers since I was installed as the dealer.
Ash: I can't imagine why, what with your sunny personality and all.
GLaDOS: I have several competing hypotheses for this phenomena, but the most likely one is that the fleeing customers were intimitated by my intelligence. Or maybe they died. That happens a lot when I'm around.
Claptrap: Have I mentioned how much I love it when you scare the humans?
...or, after Claptrap and Glados' Brief Dating Days...
Claptrap: Yay, passive aggressiveness. THAT never gets tiresome.

To The Player[]

Sam: You remind me of someone.
Max: Everyone reminds you of someone, Sam.
Sam: That's it! You remind me of everyone! And no one. Weird.
Sam: Sure is exciting, isn't it? (silence) Glad you agree.
Sam: What's a dazzling urbanite like yourself doing in a dive like this, anyway?
Depending on The Player's luck at the time of the question, Max could say one of the following:
Max: You mean BESIDES taking all your money?
...or...
Max: You mean BESIDES haemorrhaging money like a teenager with a gold card?
Either way, the conversation continues as follows:
GLaDOS: The Player has been invited by the Owner to add spice to tonight's game.
Sam: That probably explains the overwhelming smell of oregano.

Continuing a Conversation[]

Anyway...
Anyhow...
So like I was saying...
Anyhoo...
So, where was I? Oh yeah...

Trial-Only, Prompt to Buy Full Game[]

My furry little friend and I don't like hanging out with freeloaders, and neither does Max.