Max's Dialogue

Game Start

• Here you go!

Wagering Crimestomper Combo

Max: Would you settle for a travel pack of tissues and a half-eaten jar of maraschino cherries?
Winslow: Mmmm, I do relish a good cherry. But I'm afraid there may be an issue of parity.
Max: I don't have any pears, either. Oh! I've also got 38 to 40k in uncut diamonds. But how about my gun and badge?
Y'know, you can't put a price on a License to Maim.
Winslow: Very well! The player to eliminate Max from the game will receive a pistol and a Freelance Police badge.

Responses

Taunting

"Call My Bet!"

• (giddily) Ooh, I hope he calls! I hope he calls!
• I hope you can beat all REDS!
• Remember my latent psychic powers? Yeah, well, they're back! Not that I've been using them...
• Yeah, I'd ask you if you felt lucky but I've been trying to cut cliches out of my life for a few months now.
• You have to call because you know what nefarious things I'll find to do with the money if you fold.

"Call His Bet!"

• Call him! Raise him! Tear his kneecaps out! Not in that order!
• {in a raspy voice} Make a calm and rational decision!
• There's always more money! But how often do you get the chance to coldly squash a man's hubris?
• Break his spirit! Shatter his will to live!

Thinking

• Huh. So this is what "thinking" is like.
• Hmm...
• Mayyybe...
• Hmm.
• Let's see....
• What would Gene Shalit do?
• I'm actually thinking about this... LOOK AT WHAT I'VE BECOME! YOU... YOU DID THIS TO ME!
• All I ever want to do is bet. But maybe it will drive you to madness if I don't.
• Will betting cause the most universal despair?
• I simply cannot make good choices when there isn't a giant pile of money in my face.
• Look at me pretending to care if I lose after calling a big bet.
• Sam would want me to call that, I'm certain of it.
• Are you bluffing? I'm incapable of bluffing because I can only remember what cards I have for two to three seconds at a time.
• One of you has to have the goods... and I ain't talking about the cards!
• I know I don't have anything up my sleeve. But I can't say the same for my inventory.

Betting

(general)

• Betting.
• Oh, I bet!
• I bet!
• I'm betting.
• I'm gonna bet.
• Okay, I bet.

(small bet)

• ALL IN...the Family is Sam's favorite Norman Lear comedy, I think. Well, I'm willing to wager THIS much that it is.
• Strike first and go for the throat!

(big bet)

• Feast your eyes on my obscene gesture of economic squandering!
• Let's say we make this interesting, shall we? Like playing russian roulette with a crossbow!
• Have you ever danced with a lagomorph in three inches of water with an electrical socket dangerously nearby?
• The thing about everyone thinking you're a sociopath is you can bet obscene amounts of money and people think you're just having an episode.
• Global economic crises are for sissies! I bet!
• (yawns, then sniffs) I beetttt.
• Max: Ah, this reminds me of that time in Season 2 when I bought Bob Hope's nose on eBay with my life savings.
  Tycho: I don't remember that.
  Max: (angrily) DON'T. SPOIL. MY MEMORIES!
• I don't even know how many chips I'm betting! (laughs manaically)

Raising

(general)

• Oh I raise!
• I'm raising.
• All right, I raise.
• Raise.
• I would raise every time it's my turn, but that just seems classless. (raises, then belches loudly)
• Sprinkling a few chips into the pot reminds me of feeding mini-sausages to the alligators that live in the Manhattan sewer system. I raise!
• I'm just going to put in the same amount of chips as you did, but also a lot more.
• No one expects the Lagomorphic Inquisition! I raise!
• Max: Fold! Raise! Fold! Raise! (Pants)
  Tycho: So that's a raise then?
  Max: Sure!
• Hey, that's not a real bet!
• Max: I raise this much!
  Heavy: This is big raise. (Note: Not voiced.)
  Max: Aww, this lil' ol' thing?
• I'll see that-- WHOAWHOAWHOAWHOAWHOA! --and raise ya.

(reraising)

• I'll reraise.
• In lieu of needlessly violent outbursts, I've taken to reraising.
• Your raise has inspired ME to raise! You're an inspiration to us all.
• You don't mind if I reraise, do you? Oh, wow. Being polite is weird.

Player Checks

• {sarcastically} Ooooh, a spine-tingling check!
• I would check those cards, too. Am I in your head?
• I'll tell you someone you DON'T wanna give a bad check to: Flint Paper. Fiscal disturbances make that man do horrible things.
• Ooh, reminds me of the time I was playing Checkers with Superball in the Oval Office with a board made of suspiciously human-looking bone.

Checking

• Checking.
• Checking: It's the cool thing to do.
• (Imitating a zombie) Cheeeeeck!
• I'm gonna check!
• Alrighty, I check.
• Check.
• Ok, I check.
• I check.
• I'll check that.
• I'll check too. (Note: Says this when he is last to check.)
• Ohhh check.
• UNUSED: Check, check, double check!
• UNUSED: I'm gonna check. Yep, still here!

Player Calls

(general)

• Nyeh.
• Interesting.

(Player calls big bet)

• Ohohoho, THAT'S what I'm talking about!
• Take it off, baby!

Calling

(general)

• Ok, I call.
• I'll call that.
• Call.
• I call!
• I'll call.
• I'm gonna call.
• Okey dokey, I call.
• (sigh) I love to call like I love to receive calls from the commissioner after reducing a gang of hedge fund managers to a bloody and bruised heap of tears.

(calling in the first round)

• I'm in!
• I'm in like Florence Nightingale!
• I can't stand to be left out.
• I'm in and tingling with excitement!

(calling small bet)

• Aww... I hate to call without the thrill of financial recklessness.
• Even on a paltry freelance salary, I can call bets like this all day.

(calling big bet)

• Call! Ah, there it is. There's the financial recklessness I crave!
• I hate the responsibility that comes along with fiscal capabilities! I call!
• Max: What sort of degenerate gambler do you think I am?
  Heavy: I do not know.
  Tycho: I'm not sure.
  Strong Bad: Uhh... the calling sort?
  Max: The reckless and forgetful sort! I call!

(right before hole cards are revealed)

• Alright, it's time to expose our... cards.
• I hope you can beat five nines!
• Ooh! Whenever I hear the word "showdown," my trigger finger does a tiny dance!

Can't Afford Blind

• C'mon, lucky chips!
• This is the last of my Stuckey's fund!
• Bankruptcy is so thrilling! US car companies knew what they were doing the ENTIRE TIME!
• Money is sooo 2007. I'm glad I'm putting this on the line to celebrate our society's economic crumble and embracing of the barter system.
• I feel like Artie Flopshark staring down the barrel of Flint's fist!

All In

• (strained) Must...go...all in... So...many chips...!
• Time to go all in.
• I'm doing it! All in!
• I'm allllll in! Haha! I'm also all lagomorph. Mostly.
• Max: I fold. Wait! What's the one where I bet all of my stupidly large pile of chips?
  Tycho: That's all in.
  Max: Yeah, that! I wanna do that!
• Okie dokie shmokey, I'm all in!
• All in.
• I'm bettin' it all.
• Watch out now! I'm all in!

All In (Different Player)

• Ooh!
• Sweet!
• Woah.
• Yow!

Player Folds

• You're just gonna fold? But now I can't guilt you into betting bad cards by putting on my cute rabbit face!
• Aww, I hate prudence!
• You should know that I've been using my latent psychic abilities to see everyone's cards this entire time and I agree with your decision.

Folding

(general)

• I'm folding!
• HAHA! OK, I'll fold.
• Flint Paper once told me, and I quote, "Bad cards are no reason to get beaten up by a bunch'a humps."
• I'm gonna fold.
• Fold.
• Nope!
• Yeeeah, fold.
• I fold.
• Nnnnngh, I don't think so.
• Yeeeah, I'm out.
• Since I can't choose between all the horrific things I want to do to these cards, I suppose I'll just fold.
• I raise! I raise it all!, No, wait, this is a gruesome hand, I fold.
• Yuck!
• (groans) At least real garbage has the potential to contain corndog scraps or incriminating DNA. Sometimes a combination of both!
• (blows a raspberry)
• You know, there's something about the rotting, acrid smell of bad hole cards that makes me want to bet HUGE, heh, but I fold.
• Max: Hmm... Maybe I'll just shoot these cards. (takes out his luger)
  Tycho: Didn't they make you check your piece at the door?
  Max: (puts his pistol away) My gun is impossible to find and I'm an over-enthusiastic frisk-ee.

(in the middle of a run of bad cards)

• What a depressing run of bad cards. It's enough to make me gorge myself on pub cheese or commit a federal offense!
• I'd be bored to tears from getting unplayable hands if I didn't black out every couple of minutes and forget why I was here.
• I actually like getting unplayable cards -- it gives me time to daydream of busty women and all of my favorite breakfast cereals that have been recalled due to digestive safety concerns.
• (disgusted) Oh! Y'know, these cards actually smell like detritus!
• If I was capable of lucid frustration, I'd take the dealer out into the alley and give him what for!

(at a flop)

• Ha! That flop makes me wanna kill myself, or pack my stomach full of saltwater taffy.
• Well! These cards were going to buy me unspeakable amounts of vice before those hit the table!
• What a flop! Ugh! It burns my eyes worse than when I dipped my aviators in sodium hydroxide!
• I haven't seen a flop that bad since Sam tossed Waldo "the Walrus" Worthington out a six-story window.

(at the river)

• Aww man, I fold. These were good ones, too.
• That card ruined my day like a bad rash between my... ears.
• (gasp) OOH! (gasp) Fold.
• Oooh NOW I get to fold!
• {imitating hillbilly accent} Awwwww, shucks! Fold.

(intimidated out of hand)

• It's entirely out of character for me to walk away from a scrap with multiple foes. In this rare instance, it might be more fun to watch others slug it out than to participate. How about you guys just play? I'm going to sit back and watch like I'm at an underground stoat fight.
• Well, if everyone's going to play it's going to be a lot harder to win through blind luck.
• Nope, I've got to save some money to feed my crippling circus peanut addiction.
• Hmm, I'm going to fold. I'm saving up for a fancy pair of loris hair ear warmers.
• Take it.
• (UNUSED) You'll take it and you'll like it!
• YOU can have it.
• I want YOU to have all that beautiful money.
• You can have the pot IF you promise to do something nice with it, like burn it in a barrel to warm the heart of a lovable hobo.
• Max: Oh, it's only money... that I could use to buy Mexican fireworks!
  Strong Bad: Mexican wrestling fireworks? Illegal in forty-two states.

Large Pot

• Oooh... when I see that many chips in one place, I want to coat my slick fur in cooking grease and roll around in 'em!

Showdown Card Reveal (Positive)

• Sweet!
• Aaaalright!
• Hip hip!
• Yes!

Showdown Card Reveal (Negative)

• What?!
• (impatiently) Come on. Come on.
• Hmm. Did that sound like I care?
• {Cheerfully} Frustration!
• Lame!

Winning

(general)

• The gravy train rolls on!
• I don't even look at my cards!
• (happy sigh) This reminds me of a story about a rabbit and his ostentatious bank account.
• I'm gonna buy me a scepter. And I can't promise I won't wave it around in front of you, forever reminding you of this moment.
• All riiight!
• You can win money playing this game? (laughs) NEAT!

(everyone folded to him)

• Thanks, guys!
• Ooh, a present!
• I didn't even have to bear my hideous and unaturally serrated teeth.
• Max: I fold, too.
  Tycho: Everyone folded to you. You won the pot.
  Max: But- But- (sigh) OK...
• Oh, guys, you shouldn't have!

Winning Another Player's Buy-in

• (Iron Curtain) (emphatically) It's...it's BEAUTIFUL.
• (Dangeresque Too? or Enthusiast's Timepiece) If there's one thing I'm full of, it's useless crap!

Losing (Player Has Good Hand)

• Oh, so those are the kind of cards I'm supposed to have!
• Hey, no fair, you're playing for reals!
• The only thing better than getting beaten by cards like those is taking a shellacking by a sock full of dimes.
• I haven't taken a beating that bad since SOMEONE let Superball shoot a giant missile into my chest.

Player's Win

• Are those good ones?
• UNUSED: Are these good ones?
• Hey, quick question: What do those numbers on the cards mean?
• I'm supposed to tell you that is a great hand, but all I wanna do is this! {makes armpit fart noises}. Note that removing the soundfiles the armpit farts causes buzzing noises.
  Heavy: Heh heh heh. You crack me up, tiny bunny.
  Tycho: Exquisite.

Player's Loss (Player Has Bad Hand)

• Yeah, I'm not capable of prolonged lucid thought, but what's your excuse for playing cards like that?
• Those are cards I would play!
• Ooh, worthless cards! I like your strategy.
• Ahh, the old "bet with random cards and hope for the best" strategy.
• You're lucky Flint Paper's not here -- he's a stickler for quality poker hands.
• Nice rags!
• The only thing better than getting beaten with cards like those is taking a shelacking by a sock full of dimes.

Splitting the Pot

• Saboteur! You somehow managed to cheat in the exact same way I did!
• Those are your cards, too? (laughs) My God, you're as insane as I am!
• May our shared inability to recognize quality be rewarded. We should get jobs at a fancy publisher!
• But I-- I've been trying so hard to get rid of all my chips!
• All right, alright, I'll hold onto these chips for now, but don't think I won't carelessly throw them around soon enough.
• WHAT? There's more than one of this card in the deck!?

Player is Eliminated

• Aww, I hate good-byes.
• Don't forget to write! Preferably on the pelt of a protected animal!
• (Evil Grin) Hmmm... I wonder if his seat is still warm.

Eliminated from Play

• Woo! Thank God that's over. I've had to go to the bathroom for ages. Bye!
• Max: I'll be at the bar! I hope they don't ask for my ID.
  Tycho: You're not of age?
  Max: No, it's just embarrassing whenever I have to… produce it.
• Did you guys see that cocktail waitress from earlier? I'm gonna go see what her policy is on talking rabbits plagued by cunning wit and neverending stamina.
• Max: Well, it's like Flint Paper always says... "When you run out of money, it's time to go crack some skulls!"
  Heavy: I like this Flint Paper.
• That was fun, I think. Bye, guys!
• Next time I'll rethink my strategy of 'Bet everytime my bellybutton itches'.
• That's the longest I've sat in one place since Sam and I decided to listen to the entire season 2 director's commentary.

Eliminated from Play (after wagering the Crimestopper's Combo)

• Enjoy! Don't put your mouth on that, though, I can't speak to its cleanliness.

Player Wins the Tournament

• Let's be friends and spend your money in morally questionable ways!
• Congratulations! That was the hairiest game of Hearts I've ever played!
• Whoa, w-what happened? I astral projected into the mind of a stampeding wildebeest for 45 minutes. What I'd miss?
• You won! Haha, I was going to buy clothes with my winnings, but only so I could experience the thrill of flashing passers-by.
• You should know that most of my chips were purchased with blighted gold bouillion.

Wins the Tournament

• I just had the craziest dream that I won a poker tournament! I don't even know how to identify and recognize numbers!
• Hey! Next time, let's play "Name That Hobo"!
• Did you know poker is based on the 15th century German card game "pochspiel?" And did you know my uncontrollable gas is caused by my 15th serving of German sauerkraut and undercooked bratwurst?
• I win! Now let's play for... KIDNEYS.
• Ha! This reminds me of the time Artie Flopshark beat Flint Paper in a heads-up poker match and Flint...killed him in cold blood.

Player is Idle

• (snaps awake) Huh...? How long was I out? Sometimes I just black out when life reaches a peak level of boredom.
• This prolonged silence reminds me of the time I bought that spotting scope and watched our semi-attractive single neighbor sleep for an entire night.
• It's boring times like these that I like to kick back and ponder the intricacies of existance. Like, why do my nipples exist? I don't even use them that much anymore.
• Well, this is grrreat, all that brain power I was using playing cards can now be put towards imagining unique ways for all of us to meet our slow and painful demise.
• I wasn't really playing before... but now we're really not playing. I liked it better the other way.

Conversations

With Heavy

• Max: Mr. Weapons, how do you like your line of work?
  Heavy: It is good. There are many benefits.
  Max: Like a free pass to snuff out bad guys or a waffle bar in the commissary?
  Heavy: Both. And full dental.
• Max: Mr. Weapons, question. Do you have any interest in moonlighting?
  Heavy: WHAT?! I AM NOT MOONLIGHTER!
  Max: I'm just talking about a little work on the side! Maybe hang out with Sam and I two nights a week and beat up goons? Huh? Huh?
  Heavy: Oh. I can not do this.
  Max: Come on, it's fun! And free!
  Heavy: No, I am sure it is.
  Max: Then what's the problem?
  Heavy: I have non-compete.
  Max: Ahh... yeah. Lawyers...
• Max: Mr. Weapons! I'm in the market for a new firearm! Something classy and understated to supplement my daily driver.
  Heavy: Hmm, for you I would not recommend mini-gun then. You know, there is this fast baby man who annoys me greatly with shotgun.
  Max: Ooh! Ooh! What are the available options? I'll spring for leather!
  Heavy: Da (Yes), this is good for you. I suggest Force-A-Nature.
  Max: Excellent! I'll head down to the dealership tomorrow and tell them Heavy Weapons Guy sent me.
  Heavy: There is no need. I know guy.
• Max: What do you think I am, made of money?
  Heavy: No, you are made of fur and rabbit.
  Max: Actually, my small intestine IS clogged with a roll of Sacajawea dollars I wanted to smuggle into Canada.

With Strong Bad

• Max: Hey Strong Bad, ever visit New York City? It's a dreamland of concrete, schwarmastands, and random acts of violence.
  Strong Bad: No, but it looks like {referring to Tycho} web-comic over here is a regular visitor to New {puts emphasis on the word} Dork City. He he. {in a high pitched voice, with a smile} I bet he's got {raises his feet up and down} a little snowglobe {raises his arms} that says New Dork City.
• Max: Hey, boxing glove guy. With a face like that, have you ever considered organized crime? Sam and I could come after you and we'd try not to rough you up too bad.
  Strong Bad: I dabble in nefarious activities. Like the time I stole the Strong Bad's Cool Game for Attractive People source code from those Telltale chumps.
  Max: Ooh! That sounds criminal.
  Strong Bad: Oh yeah. I pulled it off without a hitch. Got the code over to my boys at Videlectrix who turned the game into a triple platinum, triple pixel best-seller. In... Guam.
• Max: I don't know a lot about card games, truth be told. But, I take it you're a little bit of a beginner, yes?
  Strong Bad: Are you talking to {pronounces it as moy} moi?
  Max: You betcha. You're as green as the bologna in Sam's mini-fridge.
  Strong Bad: {angrily} Shut up, Stitch.
  Max: {cheerily} It's OK. It just means you have to adopt a strategy of wanton deception.
  Strong Bad: Hmm... Not the woist idea I ever hoid.
  Max: {furrows brow} Get into their heads.

With Tycho

• Max: You know, the music in this joint reminds me of the time a bunch of hippos escaped the zoo, fell into league with a criminal blues band and started transporting illicit goods across the east river.
  Tycho: Ugh, hippos. Corpulent brigands; nothing like their elegant, ungulate sisters the giraffes.
  Max: Huh?
  Tycho: You know what i'm talking about. Those slender necks?
  Max: HUH?
  Tycho: So long and muscular... you just want to wrap your arms around them... And then maybe your legs... just to see what it feels like.
  Max: (Horrified stare)
  Tycho: You just want to get up there, and just sway in the fucking wind! (Pause, calms down) No? Is that not... ok.

• Max: This reminds me of the time Flint Paper beat the snot out of that poker instructor Artie Flopshark. He was a total scammer. See, Artie was squeezing our friend Jimmy Two Teeth for money after teaching him to play some game that didn't really exist.
  Tycho: What was the game called?
  Max: Omaha? Maybe Topeka. Some place horrible.
  Tycho: Omaha's a real thing, Max.
  Max: Well, don't tell that to Artie Flopshark. Flint socked him until he promised he'd never play or teach it ever again.

• Max: Tycho, is there a lot of criminal activity in the Pacific Northwest?
  Tycho: Same as anywhere else, I suppose. It has its douchers, sure, but there aren't any real villians.
  Max: That's alright, Sam and I can subsist on a limitless supply of two-bit hoodlums. Oh, or if you know of a cabal of greedy corporate monsters, hell-bent on blanketing an entire generation in a deep, exploitative sadness, that would do.
  Tycho: Oh, so chains of used videogame resellers? Yeah, we got those.

With Heavy and Tycho

• Max: Seeing all these Aces reminds me of this dream I had where I could use a playing card to read people's minds. Do you ever have any weird dreams Mr. Weapons?
  Heavy: I sometimes dream that I am killed. There is blood everywhere.
  Tycho: {questionable stare}
  Heavy: But I wake and I realise this is ridiculous. Nobody can kill Heavy Weapons Guy!
  Tycho: Riiiiight...
• Max: Playing cards reminds me of the time Sam and I were hired to whack a guy for the longshoreman's union and they invited us to their high stakes hearts game.
  Heavy: I am Union. RED Local 615.
  Tycho: You guys unionized?
  Heavy: Eh. It was necessity for group medical.
• Max: Aw, man. This reminds of that time when Artie Flopshark rigged an entire poker tournament so he could pay off his loanshark.
  Heavy: I know of this. This is very respectable profession in motherland.
  Max: Yeah, well, over here, these scumbags have unionized. Artie said he owed the credit union a heck of a lot of bread.
  Tycho: Did he say why?
  Max: Just that they were going to put him in a bunch of water. You know, give him the cement shoes? Drop him in the bay? It doesn't matter, though, because Flint Paper got to him first. Wheeeee, did he make him pay!
  Tycho: Maybe his mortgage was underwater, and your friend injured a man who was trying to keep his home. How did he rig the tourney, anyway?
  Max: I dunno. {shrugging} He won, though, so you know it was clearly rigged; a guy can't just win a tournament.
   
• Max: You know what I love?
  Tycho: What's that?
  Max: Destroying wave after wave of the undead.
  Tycho: WORD UP! How do you roll?
  Max: With my trusty side arm of course.
  Tycho: I'm more of an auto-shotgun guy.
  Max: Oooh!
  Heavy: This is good weapon no?
  Max: Sam and I had to resign ourselves to pistols when our cleaning bill started going through the roof.
  Tycho: Yeah, its like ichor? Oxyclean ain't cuttin' it.
  Max: This pelt is dry clean only.

With Strong Bad and Tycho

• Max: Did I ever tell you the time Flint caught Artie Flopshark, the poker instructor, stealing money from the tenants next store to our office?
  Strong Bad: No, but this floppyshark sounds like my type of dude.
  Max: Flint saw Artie going door to door telling some stupid story about having to run really far or a bunch of people were going to die. And people were just handing him stacks of cash!
  Tycho: That actually sounds like a charity thing.
  Max: Then why, pray-tell, throughout his entire vicious pummeling did Artie insist he needed "10K"?
  Tycho: He didn't need "10K", he was running 10 k-ilometers for charity.
  Max: Well, long story short, Flint broke both of his legs and beat him to within an inch of his life. So... he wasn't running anywhere after that.

Special

Only when Tycho has wagered his Enthusiast's Timepiece

• Max: Tycho, that's a snazzy watch!
  Tycho: Thanks Max. It's what the Heavy might call a "rare drop."
  Max: How do you mean?
  Tycho: Sometimes, when you kill a man, his corpse can be looted for "special items."
  Max: Like kidneys to be sold on the black market!
  Tycho: Precisely.
  Max: So you looted that off a bad guy?
  Tycho: Yeah, I had to tear it off the wrist of a real bastard.
   

Continuing a Conversation

• Anyway,
• So I was saying,
• Now where was I? Oh yeah!
• So anyway,
• Back to what I was saying.
• Oh, so,
• Anyway, I was saying...
• What was I saying? Oh, right.
• Anyway, back to me.