Game StartEdit

When Betting Iron CurtainEdit

  • Heavy: I am sorry. I do not have this money... I did, but Sasha has been very good lately, and I wanted to get her gifts. The money is gone. I have no choice...
    Max: Aw, you gotta play!
    Heavy: I have no choice but to buy in with Sasha, so I can keep honor.
    Max: It's... it's... beautiful!
    Heavy: I hope this is alright.
    Winslow: Ha, I see no problem with it. Whoever knocks him out will receive his buy-in.



"Call My Bet!"Edit

  • Time to show your honor. Can you beat me?
  • You would fight me? It is not advisable.
  • It won't kill you to call. Heh heh heh.
  • I promise, if you fight me, it will not last long. I kill quick, but not cleanly. I'm sorry.

"Call His Bet!"Edit

  • It is not always easy to be courageous without holding giant weapon, but you must try.
  • Must find strength to call!
  • Giant man not get pushed around!
  • Have no fear! You are killer!


  • Well...
  • Hmm...
  • I do not know...
  • Ehh...
  • This is not a baby move. What are you hiding over there?
  • It is my nature to bet in order to kill. But maybe I check in order to be sneaky?
  • Chips! It might be time to send you all to war!
  • What should we do my little comrades?
  • At times like this, I like to eat sandvich.
  • (to chips) What should we do, my little comrades?
  • Bet or call? With Doctor behind me, it would be no question.
  • Look at all the money... Hmm...
  • Hm, are you dangerous like Heavy, or coward like Scout?
  • There is saying we have. "Sometimes, the most dangerous gun is the one without bullets."
  • (when someone is trying to intimidate him out of the hand) You think it takes more than one of you to fight me?
  • Heavy: Hmm, must think about this.
    Max: Hey, uh, Mister Weapons Guy, I didn't take you for the thinking type.
    Heavy: I think very much.
    Max: Don't worry. I haven't had a salient thought since Prince put out Purple Rain.
    Heavy: I know this music. Is good! Is new, no?
  • Heavy: Hmm, let me think.
    Strong Bad: Don't hurt yourself there, Comrade Smartinsky...lov.

Player BetsEdit

  • You are no baby!



  • I bet.
  • Da, I bet.
  • I am betting.
  • Ohhh, I bet.
  • I am bet.
  • It is time to bet, I think.

(small bet)Edit

  • Why not? Sometimes Giant Man sneaky like dirty spy.
  • Heavy: A tiny bet the size of the Tiny Heavy!
    Strong Bad: What are you talking about, man?
    Heavy: Ohh, Tiny Heavy, you are so funny!
  • I bet a little.
  • It is time to push little men around.
  • Don't be afraid, tiny men! It is just small wager!

(big bet)Edit

  • Ohoho, we separate tiny men from not tiny men.
  • These chips are credit to Heavy Weapons cards!
  • Which of you cowards will match this bet?
  • Bet is as dangerous as Heavy Weapons Guy.
  • These chips want blood! Who will give it to them?
  • I can fire Sasha for twelve seconds with this bet!

(Player has to go all in to call)Edit

  • I am putting you all-in.
  • You must bet the rest of your chips to match THIS.



  • We raise.
  • I am raising.
  • Da, I raise.
  • Raise.
  • All right, I raise.

(small raise)Edit

  • Do you hear it? Sasha is getting warm.
  • Let's make game little more interesting.
  • This isn't enough to frighten baby, is it?
  • You match tiny raise, tiny man?

(big raise)Edit

  • You are going to need much bigger bet, I think.
  • I raise like flag of motherland over bloody battlefield.
  • I raise! Can tiny baby arms lift this many chips?


  • HOHOHOHOHO! Big man raise! You'll have to do more than that!
  • I am coming for you. Raise more!
  • Do not have fear, I just make pot even bigger.
  • I like you! You try to scare me! Hahaha, little baby act big and tough!

Player ChecksEdit

  • (singing) Check check check! On my Sandvich! Cha cha cha!
  • This is Ok.
  • Is GOOD check!
  • I check once. Not so much fun.


  • I check this.
  • All check.
  • Okay, I check.
  • These are check.
  • All right, I check.
  • Check.
  • I check.
  • Da, check.

(last to check)Edit

  • Is free.
  • I am not betting, but I do not quit.
  • I check, too.

Player CallsEdit

  • Oh, you still want to play?
  • Heh.



  • Call.
  • I call.
  • I am call.
  • Okay, I call.
  • I will call.
  • Da, call.
  • In.
  • I am in, and ready to crush baby men.
  • I will play.
  • I am going to play this one.

(calling small bet)Edit

  • I call dis baby bet...
  • This is not much.
  • Hahaha, tiny bet! Did you find chips in your diaper? I call!
  • I can call your bet, and buy sandvich!

(calling big bet)Edit

  • Let us fight.
  • Giant man is not afraid.
  • I am not afraid of bullets; you think I fear your bet?
  • I can't quit now.

(before the hole cards are revealed)Edit

  • I will not let you get away without showing big man cards!
  • Are you ready to read cards and then cry like baby?

Can't Afford BlindEdit

  • This is the last of it.
  • Do not let last of chips fool you, tiny baby. I am still killer.
  • I make final stand.
  • I go all in with honor!

All InEdit

  • Heavy goes all in.
  • I bet all chips.
  • All in.
  • What was that, Tiny Chips? You all want to fight with me? This is best idea.
  • Time to fight like big man! All in!
  • All of my chips! They are coming for you.
  • I bet all of it.
  • I am all in.
  • Da, I am all in.
  • I go all in.

All In (Different Player)Edit

  • Horosho!
  • OK!
  • Ohh.
  • Ya v osádke!

Player FoldsEdit

  • No shame in fold. He he he.
  • Is this how cowards play? Is ok.
  • In motherland, we quit when we are dead.



  • I fold.
  • I will fold.
  • I am folding.
  • No.
  • Fold.
  • I...fold.
  • These are fold.
  • I am out.
  • I am out. (different tone)

(before the flop is shown)Edit

  • These cards are no good.
  • I can do nothing with these.
  • I cannot squash a man with garbage.
  • {Angrily} These cards are weak, like BLU baby team!
  • Man needs BULLETS for his weapon! Not worthless rags!
  • Lucky for you, not even I can destroy you with these.
  • {Sarcastically} Strong cards would be nice.
  • {Angrily} I GET BABY CARDS!
    Strong Bad: Waauggh! (winces)
  • These are not good cards.
  • I will not disgrace myself by playing cards made for tiny, little man.

(during a continuous run of bad cards)Edit

  • {Angrily} Where are you spy?! I know you sabotage cards! {Sadly} I never get good hand.
  • These cards keep making me angry like spinning minigun of killing.
  • Why? Why must all cards be so weak?
  • Heavy: These cards make me want to rip off man's arms!
    Tycho: I'm just gonna put this out there: Strong Bad. Just grab an arm and start pullin'!
    Strong Bad: Good luck trying to separate me from these guns.

(at the flop)Edit

  • That flop has ruined my plans to give you pain.
  • The cards flop worse than Spy with Dead Ringer.
  • What is this? What is flop? Phooey!
  • The flop turn big scary hand into crying baby hand.
  • I hate the flop!

(at the turn)Edit

  • Heavy: AHH, it was going SO well! Fourth card is worst card.
    Tycho: I was under an impression of the contrary.

(at the river)Edit

  • I can push this hand no further.
  • Oh, the cards! They FAIL me.
  • (angrily) What is this card at the end? It ANGERS us.

(intimidated out of hand)Edit

  • Heavy Weapons Guy is taught to kill one at a time. Too many men in this hand.
  • I leave you men to fight with yourselves.
  • Too many cards in this hand.
  • I can't crush all of you with these cards, I don't think.
  • I do not like to be pushed out by big man bet.
  • Too rich for blood. So much blood...
  • Ohh no no no. That is like... many, many bullets. I fold.
  • Heavy: If I bet that much, Sasha will go hungry.
    Strong Bad: What, is Sasha, like, your Pomeranian or something?
    Heavy: She is my gun. For killing.
    Strong Bad: Oookay.

(last to fold)Edit

  • Heavy: In Russia it is no shame to try and fail.
    Tycho: Really? I heard that there was shame.
    Heavy: Can feel no shame if dead.
  • You can have it. This time.
  • Take the money. But next time you will not be so lucky, tiny man.
  • You can have the point.
  • Is yours.

Large PotEdit

  • So much money!
  • Pot is friend. Biiig friend!
  • Look at all the money...

Showdown Card Reveal (Positive)Edit

  • Good!
  • Хорошо! (Pronounced: "Horosho", means "Excellent" in Russian)
  • Yes!
  • Very good!
  • Ha!
  • OK!

Showdown Card Reveal (Negative)Edit

  • Bad!
  • C'mon, c'mon!
  • Very bad.
  • Aww!
  • Vhat is this?



  • Hahaha, I love this game!
  • (singing) Vinning, vinning, vinniiing is almost as fun as killing.
  • Did you think I was out of ammunition? Even then I would crush your tiny head in my hands.
  • Hohoho! You thought you could beat me? This is cute.
  • These cards make your cards look like sad, tiny babies.
  • It is mine.
  • Ha haha, this is easy game.
  • My cards are better than yours. Don't cry. It is better to just hide in shame.
  • Maybe you feel better if we play for less money? Or sweets?

(repeat wins)Edit

  • I will never let my chips be captured.
  • I will take this one, too.
  • I am always winner!

(after a run of bad cards)Edit

  • Finally, Heavy Weapons Guy is best!
  • This is just the beginning of my domination.
  • Haha, NOW I win.

(everyone folds to him)Edit

  • Best strategy when fighting Heavy Weapons Guy, is not to fight Heavy Weapons Guy.
  • This is whole table of babies.
  • I win? I don't even remember cards.
  • I forget how scary I am sometimes.
  • Haha, you didn't have to just GIVE me the money.

Winning Another Player's Buy-inEdit

  • (laughs) I will put this in my box of things collected from bodies of my enemies.


  • (Note: This happens if the Heavy loses while he has a three-of-a-kind or higher and there is a large pot at stake)
    (In a very furious tone) WHAT!?! I WILL NOT LOSE TO LUCKY COWARDS! I KILL YOU!!!
    (Crushes his cards in one hand, stands up, flips the table over, pulls out Sasha, and spins the Minigun as if to fire at the flipped table...)
    (Cut to as if nothing happened, with the characters sitting down again).
    Deal new hand now.
  • Nyet! This is why I settle argument with gun, not lucky cards.
  • Who give you these cards?!
  • Heavy: (if he loses to a strong hand) I have new enemy now!
    Max: Excellent, excellent! My nemesis collection was short one Cossack and a professional killer and now I have both!
    Strong Bad: And I have a new ridiculously over-priced cobra-skull shift knob for my car that I totally have...
    Tycho: (uneasy) Your old enemy. He's dead, isn't he?
    Heavy: Of course he is.
    (note: Only one of the other players responds at a time. Heavy's last quote is a response to Tycho's query, as you might've guessed.)
  • I lose? I do not understand this burning I feel!

Player Has a Good HandEdit

  • How can little baby play giant man cards?
  • Horosho!
  • You have these big man cards?
  • Who give you these cards!? (different take)
  • In war, there is no such thing as luck like this.

Player Has a Bad HandEdit

  • You think you can win with these? This is like thinking tiny Scout can lift heavy weapon!
  • You are like dumb, dumb like Engineer trying to kill man with wrench. You must fight with weapons!
  • Where did you learn this game?
  • Why play baby diaper cards?
  • You are shame to team with cards like that.
  • Heavy: You are disgrace to self with cards like this!
    Max: In fairness, I'm a disgrace to others -- including women and children as well.
    Strong Bad: Well your tiny head is a disgrace to evolution.
    Tycho: As someone who has eaten an entire box of orange cream bars before noon, bad hole cards hardly lead my registry of personal disgraces.
    (Note: Only one of the other players will respond at a time, depending on who the Heavy is addressing.)

Splitting the PotEdit

  • But...don't you ultimately lose because you are so tiny?
  • Hmm. I will take my half but next time, I want it all.
  • Oh that is very good hand.
  • We are BOTH killers!

Player is EliminatedEdit

  • Dosvidanya!
  • You lose. Do you force yourself into shamed isolation now? Maybe live in woods?
  • Oh! You no longer fight for team!
  • If it matters, I never thought you could win.
  • It is okay, baby! You did not win but you are best at crying! Crawl back to cradle and cry some more!

Eliminated from PlayEdit

  • I have no more chips. I was outsmarted by babies.
  • It is over? I lose? I bring terrible loss to team.
  • Beat me once, shame on me. Beat me twice, also shame on me. Beat me three times, (sadly) I am sent to my death.
  • Singing "Funeral March" sadly*
  • I am defeated. This reminds me of famous song from motherland. "You must know when to hold on to your cards, and you must know when to burn them in fire. Because if you lose, you bring insufferable shame to Republic and are sent to a work camp in forest."
  • Heavy: I am stupid, stupid, stupid Heavy.
    Strong Bad: Don't beat yourself up, Heavym'n. I don't think you'd survive.
    Heavy: Thank you, Tiny Heavy. {leaves table}

Eliminated from Play (after wagering the Iron Curtain)Edit

  • (Looks sadly at his gun) Goodbye, my love.

Player Wins the TournamentEdit

  • You are credit to team!
  • You are strong like Heavy and sneaky like dirty Spy! I commend you!
  • Ha ha! You are real killer. You can fight with me now!
  • Heh heh. I underestimate you. You outsmart me, but I don't want to kill you because of this. You are good player.

Winning the TournamentEdit

  • (gasps; stands up and begins swinging punches) I am greatest killer and poker player in world!
  • I have everyone's chips! They all want to fight for RED Team with Heavy Weapons Guy!
  • This is just like winning battle but without laundry to clean out blood.
  • I win! And now I can buy all the bullets!
  • (laughs) Yes! (continues laughing)

Player is IdleEdit

  • (yawns) Ohhhh... you take so much time. I will take quick disco nap and wake ready for blood.
  • GOOOO!
  • Not even I take this long to run to point!
  • You are like sleeping Soldier who just stands at base instead of running to point!
  • It is your turn. We wait.
  • Heavy: Sometimes, you must wait in cold anticipation for your enemy.
    Max: Plus it gives you a wonderful opportunity to bad-mouth them while they're not listening!
    Strong Bad: And sometimes YOU must wait in line for bread and bluejeans.
    Tycho: You know you could just go grab a bite to eat, instead of hatching an elaborate plot to murder our slow friend over here.


With MaxEdit

  • Heavy: I will make hat from you, little bunny.
    Max: How 'bout I just sit on your head and shoot people?
    Heavy: (thinks about this) ...This is good idea.
  • Max: Mr. Weapons, how do you like your line of work?
    Heavy: It is good. There are many benefits.
    Max: Ooh, like a free pass to snuff out bad guys, or a waffle bar in the commissary?
    Heavy: Both. And full dental.

With Strong BadEdit

  • Heavy: Strong and bad, how is boxing career?
    Strong Bad: THESE ARE MY HANDS!
    Heavy: I was boxer once. In school. We have to either box or learn to herd goats. I am not good with goats.
    Strong Bad: Too much information, man. You're Too Much Information Man.
    Heavy: At first, I do not like punching other boys. But then I learn to LOVE it.
  • Heavy: Tiny Heavy.
    Strong Bad: What is it?
    Heavy: Do you get the nightmares?
    Strong Bad: I get the Jibblie nightmares. There's this one where Homestar is a giant cheese blintz and Marzipan holds me at gunpoint and makes me eat him and... uhhh... Uh-oh! Jibblie, jibblie!
    Heavy: I am talking about visions of endless suffering. Dead doctors, everywhere. Spy cannot be found.
    Strong Bad: No, but that sounds like the Jibblies, man...
    Heavy: I do not like this "Jibblies".
  • Heavy: Maybe you and I box?
    Strong Bad: I can't risk hurting my beautiful face. It's the franchise.
    Heavy: We spar! For fun!
    Strong Bad: I don't think so.
  • Heavy: {cheerily} What weapon do you carry, tiny Heavy?
    Strong Bad: Oh, you know, I got the bazooka, grappling gun, glue gun, my special nunchuck gun. And, of course, I got {holds up his fists} these babies. {kisses his fists one at a time}
  • Heavy: Strong and bad, you wrestle? With mask?
    Strong Bad: {irritated} No, I'm a wrestle-man. Wrestle-man. Not like those hack wrestle-lers.
    Heavy: Not like Iron Sheik?
    Strong Bad: No, not like the Iron Steak. He's a "Ler". Ach poo.
    Heavy: This is too bad.

With TychoEdit

  • Heavy: I am hungry for Sandvich.
    Tycho: So order a "Sandvich", man! Your stomach sounds like a sarlacc or some shit.
    Heavy: Oh, I cannot have Sandvich! I become unstoppable killing machine.
    Tycho: {nervously} Yeah, maybe order a water?
    Heavy: Is best.
  • Heavy: Blue man.
    Tycho: Tycho.
    Heavy: Tycho, what college do you go to? You are educated, no?
    Tycho: Actually... no.
    Heavy: No?
    Tycho: I studied at Gygax Polyhedral, if you catch my drift.
    Heavy: I do not. This is good school?
    Tycho: Uh, the best.
    Heavy: I went to Soviet College of Mines, Farms, and Science. I have PhD in Russian Literature.
    Tycho: Do you use that in your line of work?
    Heavy: More than you think.
  • Heavy: Tycho, this sweater. Is special equipment?
    Tycho: No, it's standard-issue since 1998.
    Heavy: You have no class-specific headgear?
    Tycho: I've got a motorcycle helmet that gives me 100% defense against flesh-searing UV rays.
    Heavy: This sounds beneficial.
    Tycho: Especially for my skin.
  • Heavy: You wear BLU sweater.
    Tycho: Yep. Pretty much all the time. And I mean all the time. Ask the wife.
    Heavy: What are you?
    Tycho: Haven't we been over this? I know your head is the size of a grapefruit, but come on!
    Heavy: You are not Scout. Maybe very tricky BLU Spy. Maybe... new class.
    Tycho: I can use a keyboard to sabotage your team, steal your intelligence, and mail-order your sister to my goddamn doorstep, all in an afternoon! Yes, I'm a new class! I have a technical prowess beyond your wildest imagination.
    Heavy: This is true?
  • Heavy: You have hands like young girl.
    Tycho: I have a regimen, yo. I keep them shits MOIST.
    Heavy: So you are more of sneaking, stabbing type.
    Tycho: In an extreme circumstance, maybe, or if someone's being a huge asshole.
    Heavy: (Shocked expression before growling) I keep my eyes on you. (There is a bug that causes the Heavy to stare at Tycho, preventing game progress. Click here to see the bug in action)
    Tycho: (Stammering) No no no! I-I wasn't implying...
    Heavy: (Makes an angry expression)
    Tycho: ...Shit.
  • Heavy: You have woman?
    Tycho: Not with me, but yeah, I "have woman."
    Heavy: She is pretty?
    Tycho: Yeah. Cute, glasses, red hair.
    Heavy: She has the red hair?
    Tycho: No no no, Heavy, she's not on the other team. YOU DON'T HAVE TO KILL HER.
    Heavy: No, but I love the red hair!
    Tycho: Well, you can't have her either.
    Heavy: (Pulls a very angry-looking face)
    Tycho: ...Maybe we can work something out?
  • Heavy: {singing} Sandvich, sandvich, I love you sandvich...
    Tycho: Would you like someone to order you some food?
  • Heavy: {to his chips} This is Good Soldier, this one is Good Doctor... you are Demolitions Man.
    Tycho: Are you...naming your chips?
    Heavy: They all fight like good friends.

With Max and Strong BadEdit

  • Heavy: Tiny Heavy, who is your favorite to kill in war?
    Strong Bad: Hmm, in WAR? Probably those Green Helmets. You know, the guys who don't have any cool weapons or gimmicks, and come in a discount three-pack.
    Heavy: To kill spy is glorious thing! How about you, Max? You are killing type.
    Max: My favorite enemy? {gasps} That's like asking me to choose between my children!
    Heavy: {laughs heartily} You crack me up, little bunny!

With Max and TychoEdit

  • Heavy: You look very familiar, bunny.
    Max: How closely do you follow the Manhattan crime blotter? Wait, you didn't go the Spiro Agnew School of the Arts, did you?
    Tycho: You attended? Didn't take you for the book learnin' type.
    Max: No, but Sam and I pinched their gym teacher in a black market jock strap ring in the 80's. I'd be surprised if any student didn't remember a dog choking out a large man with a unibrow.

With Strong Bad and TychoEdit

  • Heavy: What do you do with life?
    Tycho: Me?
    Heavy: Yes. What is possible with tiny, frail body?
    Tycho: I occupy myself with... simulations, of various kinds.
    Heavy: What is this?
    Tycho: I leverage technology to augment my imagination... You know, thereby...
    Strong Bad: Lemme help you, Ivan. He lives in his parents' basement and subsists on cheese doodles and rejection.

Continuing a ConversationEdit

  • Anyway...
  • So, I was saying...
  • Where was I? Oh!
  • So anyway...
  • Back to what I was saying.
  • Oh, so...
  • Anyway, I was saying...
  • What was I saying? Oh, right.
  • Anyway, back to me.
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