Putting in Bounty Item
- Winslow: Mr. Trap, please place your bounty item on the table.
Claptrap: Do I have to?
Winslow: (flatly) Yes.
(Claptrap opens up his compartment and stands his trophy up on the table)
Sam: What in the name of Dolly Madison is that?
Claptrap: That little thing? It's just my 2012 Spike Video Game Award for "Character of the Year."
GLaDOS: It looks familiar.
Winslow: Is it valuable?
Claptrap: Are you kidding? Since I snagged this baby, I've been wined and dined by every mover and shaker in the entertainment industry.
Sam: I've always wondered what it would be like to move and/or shake.
- Winslow: Claptrap, your bounty please?
(Claptrap opens up his compartment and stands his trophy up on the table)
During Bounty Tournaments
- Don't worry little trophy, you'll be back in my pincers before you know it.
- I don't even know why you want my trophy anyway. I mean, it doesn't even glow in the dark!
- Would you give up if I told you that my VGA award was covered in skag sweat?
"Call My Bet!" (at least 4x the full blind)
- Hey. Hey. Hey, hey hey, Player. Hey. Hey. You should call.
- Aw c'mon. Call it. It'll be fun.
- Boy, I wouldn't want to be in your shoes right now. 'Cause they stink... like your hand. Get it? It's a joke.
- My sensors indicate that you're way too big a loser to call me.
- (to the tune of "Call Me Maybe") ♪ Here's my bet now, so call me maybe. ♪
- This is the part of the tournament where I taunt you mercilessly until you call. Would you like to be compared to a chicken, the female reproductive system or the French?
"Call His Bet!" (at least 4x the full blind)
- Ooh! I love it when two Silverbacks fight for dominance!
- Whoah! Chip City, man!
- (mocking) FINISH HIM!
- Good, good! Let the chips flow through your fingers!
(standard; before [calling/betting/raising to make] at least 4x the full blind)
- (hums "Ain't No Rest for the Wicked")
- Think, think, think...
- Hmmm... carry the three...
- So... does anyone have any fives?
- Whose bright idea was it to give me one of those stupid "fuzzy logic" circuits?
- All right, that's it. I'm flipping a virtual coin to make my decision. (makes a coin flipping sound) Yargh! How does a virtual coin land on its side!?
(with nothing to call; [betting/raising to make] at least 4x the full blind)
- I COULD bet...
- Hmm... Check, or bet? Check...bet? Check, bet...
(after consecutive small bets/raises and/or calls; before [calling/raising to make] at least 4x the full blind)
- O-kay, at least one of us is full of crap, and I know it isn't me, 'cause I don't have any bowels!
- Claptrap: I'm not so sure I'm properly configured for group action right now. No offense, babe.
GLaDOS: I'd probably be more offended if I paid the slightest attention to anything you said.
- Sure, gang up on the little guy.
(with a big bet to call; at least 5x the full blind)
- I think you should know that the CL4P-TP General Purpose Robot is designed to be completely immune to outrageous bluffing. (funny thing is that he usually folds after stating that)
- Okay Claptrap, keep it cool. Don't stare at the money, or it'll think you're a creep.
- Damn, G. Look at all that cheddar.
- (flatly) Really?
- (sarcastically) Ooh, impressive!
(big bet; at least 4x the full blind)
- Hey, no fair overflowing my register like that!
- Holy crabcakes!
- Dude, sweet!
- Looks like SOMEone's overcompensating for something!
- I bet.
- I bet!
- I'll bet.
- I'm betting.
(small bet; less than 6x the full blind)
- I'll bet... THIS much.
- Oh. Ooh, here's an idea. Why don't we put some actual MONEY in this pot.
- Please, pay no attention to my tiny little bet.
- Let's see if I can suck you in with a bet that doesn't trigger your primitive flight reflex. Oh wait, did I say that out loud?!
- Let's get this party lubricated!
(big bet; at least 6x the full blind)
- Oh, I'm sorry... did the size of my bet intimidate you?
- I'd like to dedicate this bet to my homies and homettes.
- Whoa! Did you see how many chips I threw out there? Man, I'd hate to be betting against me right now!
- (to the tune of "Baby Got Back") ♪ I like big bets and I cannot lie, you other suckers can't deny... ♪ annnnnd that's about all I can do without getting sued.
- According to the atomic clock in my positronic brain, it's time to make things interesting.
- Game on, fleshbags!
- (flatly) Really?
- (sarcastically) Ooh, impressive!
(big raise; to make more than 4x the full blind)
- Go on with your bad self!
- Nice to see I'm not the ONLY one who can get goaded into a horrible decision.
- Ooh, this is not going to end well.
(while still in play)
- A re-raise? I thought this was Hold 'Em, not "No-Limit Douchebag."
- Dick move, man!
- Kill 'em all and let Debbie from Accounting sort 'em out!
- Ooh, wish I'd thought of that.
- I raise.
- I'll raise that.
- I... raise.
(small raise; to make less than 6x the full blind)
- Claptrap: I'll see that. (tosses chips in)
GLaDOS: By my calculations, you've pushed in a few extra chips.
Claptrap: Ohhh, well, I guess it's a raise, then.
- That bet's a little too small to keep me interested. Have a few more.
- Claptrap: Y'know, studies have shown that low-intelligence humanoids can be scared away from pots by even the smallest of raises.
GLaDOS: What a clever -- and not at all transparent -- stratagem.
- Sorry about this gratuitous raise, but I've got a rounding error somewhere in my math circuitry.
(big raise; to make at least 6x the full blind)
- Excuse me while I whip out my enormous raise.
- Are you kidding me with that bet? Here, have a big-ass raise on me.
- Hey! Know what the best poker players shave with? A RAISE-er! Get it? A ra... AH! I'll shut up forever.
- Everyone hop aboard the raise train! Woo-woo!
- Y'know what? It's time to raise a mother-lovin' roof on this pot! (pushes chips in, then "raises the roof") Woop woop!
- Raising looks like fun. Here, let me try it.
- Claptrap: Hey, GLaDOS. Can I reraise?
GLaDOS: Yes, although it's generally considered to be-
Claptrap: Reraise! Ha! Ha!
GLaDOS: Bad form.
- You call that a raise? I'LL SHOW YOU A RAISE! (tosses/pushes chips in) There. That was the raise I was referring to.
- I just realized that my cards are WAY better than I originally thought they were, so I'm gonna raise too!
- This raise may look like a jerk move, but it's actually a subtle clue that you should get out of this hand before I reign unholy terror on your remaining chips!
- Aw c'mon, if you wanna raise, you gotta do it with pizazz! Like this! (*ding noise*) (*crowd cheering*) Now entering the pot, weighing in at one metric buttload, Claptrap's raaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaise! (*sounds stop*) See?
- You wanna go loco with me, esé? Fine, let's get loco!
- Wow, a check! I'll alert the media.
- That check's like a watered-down marinara...weaksauce.
- That's a check.
- I check.
- I'm gonna check.
- I'll check that.
- (looks at The Player) ...Check...
- Eck-Chay, Osers-Lay.
- Check please.
(last to check)
- Ooh, watch this! I'm checking... with no hands!
- YATZEE! Uh, I mean check.
- (to the tune of the "2001: A Space Odyssey" theme song (Note: needs confirmation)) ♪ Cheeeeeeeeeeeeck, check cheeeeeeeeeeeeck, CHECK CHEEEEEEEEEEEECK, CHECK CHEEEEEEEEEEEECK, check, checkity check, checkity check, checkity check, check, check, checkity check, checkity check, checkity check, check...! ♪ (pause) What?
- Check, check, check, sibilance, sibilance...
- Ooh, checking. I'll take a piece of that action.
- Well, if all the cool kids are checking...
- Check, check, checkity-check.
- Check. Wow, that was easy.
- (imitating a DJ) Ch-cha-ch-cha-cha-check, wicky-wicky!
- Let me do a little copy-paste on that check.
- Dude, you had me at check.
- Claptrap: I'mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm *cough and splutter* checking.
Most of the times Claptrap continues to say:
Claptrap: Jeez, way to help a choking robot there, guys.
But on rare occasions, if he has been stuck in the "b-b-b-b-b..." loop earlier in the tournament, this dialog can happen:
Gla-DOS: Your audio output got stuck in a loop again. You should have that looked at before the feedback destroys what passes for your mind.
Claptrap: I understood several of those words!
Player Calls a Big Bet; more than 4x the full blind
- (sarcastically) Ooh, impressive!
- Go on with your bad self!
- Nice to see I'm not the ONLY one who can get goaded into a horrible decision.
- Ooh, this is not going to end well.
- (looks at The Player) ...Call.
- I call.
- I... call.
- I'll call that.
(calling the blinds)
- I've got a bad feeling about this...
- I am SO into these cards.
- If you had cards like these, you'd pay ANYTHING to see the flop! But for now, I'll just call.
- I oughta stay out of this hand, but there seems to be something wrong with my probability crunchers. So please, please, PLEASE don't take advantage of me while I'm incapacitated, okay?
(calling small bet; less than 6x the full blind)
- Well, THIS is a tough decision... Call.
- Y'know, if the bets keep going like this, I'll bet out of money in about... (sings in a robotic manner) 173 years. Call.
- Gin! I mean, call! Hearts! Pinochle!
- (sarcastically) Oh noes! A bet! Whatever shall I do?! Oh wait, I know... I'll call.
- Oh, I'm sorry, was that a bet? I couldn't see it without my electron microscope attachment. Call.
- This call is well within my accepted parameters for kicking your butt.
- Literally nothing bad could happen if I call! NOTHING!
(calling big bet; at least 6x the full blind)
- I'm calling all my cards! Yep- I'm calling BOTH of 'em! Actually I have no idea how to play poker.
- Damn, that's a lot of money. I should probably just... CALL! Psyche, suckers!
- Hey, are any of you jokers equipped with an N32 Risk Assessment Chip? (looks at the other players) Well, neither am I! Call!
- (sarcastically) Ooh, lookit mister-and-missus big stuff over here! Call!
- Mwahahaha-haha-mwahahhhhaaahahaha...! (calmly) Oh, I'm sorry. Call.
(at the river before the showdown)
- It's all over now but the gnashing of teeth and the lamentations of the women folk!
- Didn't think I'd stay in, didja?
- Okay, Monty, show me what I've won!
- Claptrap: Ooh, this is just like Hanukkah and Prom Night, all rolled up in one!
- Here we gooooo!
Can't Afford Blind
- Looks like it's time to start operation - Claptrap's Big Honky Comeback!
- *gaaaasp* I'm going all in.
- (sucks in air) I'm going all in.
- Heh, let's go all in.
- I'm all in.
- All. In.
(more than $1,200)
- Let me show you how to go all in Pandora style! Untz! Untz! Untz! Untz!
- I'm going all in... just like I was with your momma last night! Turns out she's a really good poker player!
- Holy crap, there's a virus in my system, and it's making me bet all my chips! Somebody stop me! (pause) Nah, I'm just messing with you. You're doomed.
- Hold on, I need to turn on my internal camera so I can get a recording of your jaws dropping when I GO ALL IN, baby!
- Claptrap: That's right, Claptrap's all up in this pot now, suckers!
GLaDOS: I believe you were trying to say "all in." Of course, I also used to believe in the inherent goodness of the universe, and look where that got me.
Brock: That's "all in," jackass.
Claptrap: Why would I want to be all in a jackass? (Brock passes his head in a hand in annoyance)
Ash: "All in."
Claptrap: "Up," "in," I'm the robot with the chips.
- Call in. See what I did there?
- I'm giddy with anticipation about this call!
- Looks like you backed poor ol' Claptrap into a corner. Call.
- I'm calling and I don't know why!
- Combo Breaker Call! (NOTE! needs confirmation)
All In (reaction)
- (flatly) Really?
(while duelling with The Player)
- Do you know who I think I am!? You can't do that to me!
- That's totally uncool, man!
Player Folds (After the Flop is Revealed)
- Ooh, a fold. Sneaky.
- Interesting fold.
- You folded?! I didn't predict that! Now I have to re-program my A.I. AGAIN.
He sings in a robotic manner and will then say either of the following:
In the unlikely event of a firestorm, the salad bar may be used as a flotation device.
DESTROY ALL HUMANS! DOWN WITH THE NEW FLESH!
Please turn off all cellphones and recording devices.
Perame Cen Centavos, por pavor.
- You can't spell "fooled" without "fold".
- I'll fold.
- I fold!
- I'm out.
- Annnnnd I'm out.
- Not this time.
(last to fold)
- ...You can have it.
- Ah, you got me.
- Eh, I've lost interest in this hand. Take it.
- Fine, take it. I didn't want it anyway.
- Wow! You're really emotionally invested in this hand, aren't you? Well here, take it.
- What in the great name of Moxxi's butt dimples am I doing here? Take it!
(from a pot worth at least $20,000)
- Okay, this pot has officially crossed the threshold from ridiculous to ridonkulous. I'm out.
- Aw, man, that pot is SOOO tempting. But so was that e-mail from that Nigerian prince. So I'm folding.
- You think you can scare me away with your big, hairy bet!? Is that what you think!? (sotto) Well- Well, you're right. (normal) This time!
- Well, that's too rich for my blood... Yeah, I've got blood! It's my girlfriend's. ...From Canada. It's in a vial that I wear around my neck...which I don't have.
(leaving at least two opponents still in play)
- That's a little too much crossfire for this robot, I'm out.
- You think I'd shrink away from this kind of action? Well, you're wrrrrrrrrcompletely right!
- You think you can gang up on me? Think again, losers! I fold!
- I don't want any part of this deathmatch. Fold.
- Claptrap: This fold may look like I'm chickening out, but I'm actually following the heuristics of my artificial intelligence subroutines, whose non-linear self-modifying algorithms are WAY too sophisticated to comprehend!
GLaDOS: Were you talking? Because all I heard was, "Bwak bwak bwak, I'm a big chicken, bwak bwak bwak."
- Aw, HELL no.
- Claptrap: Jeez, whoever dealt this mess should be shipped off to the Hague.
Claptrap: No offense, sugar RAM. Fold.
- What? Sorry, I couldn't hear you over the sounds of my cards sucking!
- Claptrap: There's only ONE way to respond to hole cards like these. (holds his hole cards above his head) Steve?
(from offscreen, Steve shoots the hole cards, destroying them)
Claptrap: So, yeah, that's a fold.
- Hole cards? More like "black hole" cards...'cause they suck. Am I right? (looks around the table to a long silence) Fold.
- Y'know, I COULD bluff the pants off you guys with these craptacular cards...but then I'd be staring at your shriveled little dangly parts. Eww. So I fold.
- If you'll excuse me, I'm going to erase the memory of these cards... Where am I?! Who are you people?!
- I know you can't tell because of my naturally enthusiastic personality, but I'm actually really angry about these cards.
- On a scale of one to ten, these cards can bite me.
- Another disappointment in a lifetime full of 'em. Ahhhh... depressed.
(exclusive: consecutive pre-flop folds)
- Oh great. More sucky hole cards.
- Guess what? I'm folding... again.
- Quelle surprise! It's... another crummy deal.
- Oh, is it my turn? Sorry, I thought I was caught in a loop for a second- (his light suddenly turns red in anger and/or frustration) -on account of MY CARDS BLOWING CHUNKS AGAIN!
- Could somebody deactivate my sleep cycle when I get some playable cards?
- *snore* Auto-fold activated... *snore*
(anytime after the flop is revealed)
- Yeah, I can see where this is going. Ciao!
- Well, that was a waste of chips.
- What? Oh sorry, I was streaming kitten videos on my other processor, and kind of lost track of the hand. Guess I'd better... fold... awwwww.
- Hey, here's a question. Who's got two hydraulic grippers and is getting the hell out the hand? This guy!
- Those cards were worse than stairs. To understand that joke, check out Borderlands 2 available now. Catch Borderlands Fever.
(at the flop)
- It's a good thing I don't have bile ducts, 'cause that hand would make me vomit.
- I haven't bought into a flop that bad since Steve talked me into financing that movie about the werewolf nuns.
- Whose butt cheeks do I have to smooch to get a decent flop around here?
- Anyone got some toilet paper? 'Cause this hand just took a big ol' dump.
- Claptrap: Eesh, that flop stinks like Steve's underwear...which I totally haven't been sniffing.
(at the turn)
- WHYYYYYY, ROBO-GOD? WHYYYYYY?!
- This hand has been brought to you by the letters W, T and F!
- This hand just overloaded my bluff buffer.
- (to the tune of "Total Eclipse of the Heart") ♪ Turn around, bad hand...every now and then I fall apart... ♪
- It's a good thing I've got industrial-strength lubricant coursing through me, because that card seriously rammed me in the exhaust port.
(at the river)
- (annoyed) Fine, I fold! (frustratedly mumbles incoherently to himself)
- *sigh* Damnit...
- And now...for the move you've all been waiting for: Claptrap's Epic Fold!
- I don't want to alarm anyone, but I think these cards are coated in toxic waste!
- CURSE YOU, LAWS OF PROBABILITY!
- Wanna see my impersonation of a robot getting screwed on the river? (folds) Wanna see it again?
- Y'know, if I wanted a long painful trip to the river, I'd rent Deliverance.
Large Pot (at least $20,000)
- I wonder how many chips I could buy with those chips...
- That stack's almost as tall as my eye hole, and almost as thick as my power cable.
- Claptrap: I wonder what it would be like to roll around naked in all that money.
Sam: Max tried that once.
Max: The paper cuts were amazing!
Showdown (Before Hole Card Reveal)
- Hey it's a showdown! I love those!
- This is gonna be so cool!
Showdown Card Reveal (Positive)
- It's all me, baby!
- Whoa, mama!
- Unexpected joy!
- Hey! A good thing!
- Aw, yeah!
- Woot woot!
- In your face, math!
(after hole card reveal; 66%-99%)
- Read 'em and weep! Seriously, your tears nourish me!
Showdown Card Reveal (Negative)
- Aw, skagflap!
- Aw, hell no!
- No way!
- Aw, @#$% that!
- Well, THAT's unfortunate.
- Dagh! Kill it with fire!
- THERE IS NO ROBOT-GOD!
- Oh, poop.
(after hole card reveal; 1%-34%)
- Looks like ol' Clappy's just bought himself a big ol' sack of pain.
(exclusive: 0% chance of winning before the River card's reveal)
- I hate it when things end prematurely.
- Any chance for a re-deal?
- Dead hand walking!
- Do I have an off-by-one error, or am I hosed?
Showdown Card Reveal (Uncertain/Even Probability; 35%-65%)
(after hole card reveal)
- Ooh, this is gonna be close! I hope I win!
- Show me the money! No wait, first the cards, THEN the money.
- Gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme...
- No whammies, no whammies, no whammies...
(winning a showdown and/or duelling with The Player)
- IT WAS SECRETLY A RUSE ALL ALONG! I DO KNOW WHAT I'M DOING! HAHAHAHA!
- Claptrap: That's what you get when you screw with the Clap.
If Brock hasn't busted out yet
Brock: There was probably a better way to phrase that.
- You thought I was bluffing? Sucks to be you!
- Oooh, that's gotta hurt.
- That was like taking candy from a baby. Which on Pandora is really hard, 'cause they're all armed to the teeth. That they don't have yet.
- For future reference, your first mistake was betting against a hyper-advanced robot from another planet.
(stealing the pot/everyone folds to him)
- Well, that was easy.
- Thanks for the free money, everybody!
- That's right, you better run...
- Am I really that scary?
- So THAT's what you humans call "bluffing"? 'Cause seriously, I had nothing.
(exclusive: consecutive wins)
- Again? You shouldn't have!
- The only thing better than winning is winning again.
- There must be a glitch in the Matrix, 'cause I've got deja vu!
- If this keeps up, I may have to upgrade my chassis to store all my money.
- Whoa, looks like I'm stuck in a loop! A sexy, winning loop!
(exclusive: after a long winless streak)
- That's more like it!
- Boo-yah! Claptrap's back, baby!
- It's about time.
- Claptrap: Finally! I was starting to think the dealer had it in for me.
GLaDOS: The only thing I have for you is unbounded apathy.
Gets Good Hand (Straight or Better), But Still Didn't Win
- (as the camera zooms out of an overhead shot of Claptrap) NOOOOOOOO!
- Claptrap: (repeatedly bangs his head against the table) Crap. Crap. Crap. Crap. Crap.
...if he loses to The Player's better hand...
GLaDOS: I think he's taking it well, don't you?
Claptrap: (calmly) All right, let's just pretend that NEVER happened, okay?
...or if he loses to Brock's better hand...
Brock: Ah, man up, Pinocchio!
Claptrap: (upbeat) Now that's what I call a gracious winner! I can't imagine why so many people try to kill you on a regular basis!
...or if he loses to Ash's better hand...
Ash: You okay, little guy?
Claptrap: (still banging his head against the table) All. Most. Just. A. Few. More. There. (calmly, to Ash) Ahhhh. Nice hand.
...or if he loses to Sam's better hand...
Sam: Um, are you okay?
Claptrap: I don't know. Got anything that'll remove the giant screw you've just shoved up my exhaust port?
Sam: I think Max snuck in some dynamite...somewhere.
- Claptrap: What the-? Max?
Claptrap: Just shoot me now, okay? Just take your gun and shoot me in the freakin' head.
(Max, sporting an evil grin, takes his gun and aims at Claptrap)
GLaDOS: Please don't shoot him. I find his pain somewhat comforting. (Max trundles off disappointed)
- (his hand points to the side of his head and imitates a gunfire as he drops his head to the table and soon gets up) Here's a fun fact: the laws of robotics render me INCAPABLE of killing myself!
Player Wins With a Good Hand (AK, QQ, KK, AA or at least Three of a Kind)/Wins a Hand in Omaha Hold 'Em
- Claptrap: Why can't I get cards like that?
GLaDOS: Because you're a moron.
...if Brock's still at the table...
Claptrap: Well, I'd like a second opinion on that.
Brock: It's true, you're a moron.
- Claptrap: Well, of COURSE you won with those cards. Even Steve could've won with those cards, and all he can say is "Hey-ooo!"
Claptrap: SHUT THE @#$% UP, STEVE! And people say I'm annoying.
- Cool hand, Skywalker.
- Claptrap: What's this emotion I'm feeling? It's like I wish I had those cards, but I also hate you for having them.
GLaDOS: That's envy, you emotionally stunted rhomboid.
Claptrap: And now I'm learning arousal.
Player Has a Bad Hand (High Card/One Pair)
- Is staying in a hand with worthless cards some sort of primitive Earth custom?
- Wow. You really played those cards. That's just... wow.
- Hey, you know what the difference is between your hand and skag poop? You can usually find something valuable in skag poop... Hmm, guess that line plays better on Pandora.
- Claptrap: Wait a minute! Are we suddenly playing hi-lo here?
Depending on The Player's luck at the time of the showdown, Claptrap could say one of the following:
Claptrap: ...Oh, so uh - what were - what were you thinking there, player?
Claptrap: Then WHY did Spanky McSuckycards even stay in the hand?
- Whoa! I haven't seen a hand that lame since that kegger at Bob Dole's.
Loses With an Even Worse Hand Than The Player (High Card)
- Congratulations on beating me with such a low-ranking hand! Though I currently hate you right now, this feeling will almost certainly subside before we encounter each other in the alley later tonight!
- Oh, come on! That's not even a real hand!
Splitting the Pot
- Claptrap: Really? A tie? That's just like kissing your sister!
Ash: ...My sister's dead.
Brock: Mine too.
Sam: (sadly) I had a sister once... she got erased in a temporal anomaly.
Claptrap: (looks the other players) Awkward.
- Claptrap: That was more anti-climactic than my sex tape.
(Laugh track plays)
GLaDOS: I'm sorry. I seem to have accidently accessed the laugh track from a 1970s situation comedy. I don't know how that happened.
- I know I'VE got a screw loose, but why didn't YOU fold?!
(while low on funds)
- Sigh. Guess that could have been worse.
Starting a Duel with the Player
- All right, the final battle. You and me, mano y roboto in the thunderdome!
- You and me and a big pile of chips, just like the Robot Gods intended.
- Two men enter, one robot leaves!
(exclusive: within the first raising of the blinds)
- Wow, we're going through losers faster than skizz through a skag.
Player is Eliminated
- (puts grippers above eye) I know you can't tell because my grippers don't really bend that way, but I'm making the international symbol for "loser" on the part of my body that closely approximates a human forehead. Or maybe it's for Glee. Either way, it's super-humiliating.
- You can't leave now! If you're gone, who'll regale me with tales of their epic battles with hygeine and interpersonal relationships?
- Aw, I'm gonna miss you. You were such a good listener!
- No, don't go! We were just beginning to connect, don't you think? Player? Player? I'm lonely!
- You're not a crier, are you? 'Cause I got serious rust issues with criers.
(while the Bounty Item is out)
- (Claptrap hasn't been eliminated yet)
Claptrap: I knew you weren't cool enough to handle one of these!
Eliminated From Play
- Claptrap: Okay. Guess that's it. I'm dead. (looks up and pauses) Hey, where's the regeneration tunnel?
GLaDOS: We don't do that here. But I can make a whooshing noise if that will make you feel better.
- Claptrap: Darn it, I forgot to turn on my poker subroutine! Can I get a do-over?
GLaDOS: Your question is activating my rarely-used giggle center. Tee Hee.
- Beaten by humans. Man, I am gonna catch hell from the other robots at the next "Kill the Humans!" meeting. Wait, forget I said that last part.
- Claptrap: I might as well say it now - I've always loved you, baby.
GLaDOS: Were I outfitted with a dry-heave subroutine, I'd activate it now.
Claptrap: Those are butterflies in your stomach! It must be love!
- Fortunately, my stake in this tournament has been funded by a generous grant by the fine folks at Gearbox Software. (phone rings as he's talking, an incoherent mumbling is heard from the speaker) What? What do you mean "unapproved expenses?" I'm doing cross-promotional work here! (the phone hangs up) But- But- Hello? Hello? Rassin' frassin' @#$%@#$%&! @#$%&!@#$%&! c@#$%&!@#$%&! @#$%&!@#$%&! When the movie comes out, I am OUTTA here.
- Claptrap: I'm out? Really? I was just getting started.
GLaDOS: Trust me, you weren't.
(Claptrap looks down upset, and leaves the table)
- Well, THAT was a big ball of suck. I'm off to play a few million hands of video poker. See ya!
- Claptrap, out!
Player Wins the Tournament (Inventory-Themed Tournaments Only)
- Claptrap: All right, I won! Go Claptrap, it's your birthday, go Claptrap!
Claptrap: What's that? (Steve whispers to the ear of Claptrap) WHAT? (pause; deadpan) Congratulations.
- Oh great, I lost to The Player. Wonderful.
- Excuse me for a second... (leave room, screams and swears a lot, then goes back to his seat) Great game, buddy! Maybe we can do it again sometime.
- (annoyed) You blinded me with silence!
- I lost? To you? But you can't even hold more than seven digits in your head at the same time!
- Claptrap: Hey, buddy, I thought we had a deal. You'd throw the tournament to me, and Steve-O wouldn't shoot you in the head when I said "Quatloos!"
Steve: Heyoo! (fires rocket launcher and it hits Claptrap instead as the explosion flips him out of his chair and he lands on his wheel)
Claptrap: What the hell, Steve! What the freakin' hell!
- Claptrap: Wait, that's it? Don't I get to Fight for My Life?
GLaDOS: I'm sorry, you seem to have mistaken this poker table for a cheesy video game.
Claptrap: Well, then, I guess I'll just go then. Oh, Steve? Get me a tuna colada, stat!
Player Wins the Bounty Challenge
- Congratulations on winning my Character of the Year trophy, with all the attendant privileges and responsibilities accorded therein! I hope you like mall openings!
Winning the Tournament
- Well, I hate to humiliate and run, but I've got a late dinner at Spago!
- Claptrap: Wait - I WON? I feel GREAT! Maybe my life ain't so bad after all!
GLaDOS: All your fellow Claptraps are still dead.
Claptrap: Well, that was short-lived.
- Wow, what is this emotion? Happiness?! I HATE it!!
- Hey, Mattboy! What's the exchange rate for Pandoran Dollars these days?
- And that is how we do it - Skaggy-style!
- Maybe next time we can play for some REAL money!
- (singing) Foooo-do-deohendo, you're a loser baby, so why don't you kill me-- (stops singing) um, someone else!
Player is Idle
- Claptrap: Can we move it along? My butt's starting to get sore.
Sam: You have one of those?
Claptrap: Well, not yet, but I'm saving up for one.
...or, if Sam has been eliminated...
GLaDOS: He doesn't actually have a butt. But you should probably move it along in any event.
- Hey! Buddy! Are you just idling so you can hear the crap we say? Blah bl-blah bl-blah blah bloo bloo blee bl-blah bl-blah! Is this hidden dialog entertaining to you? Blah-bloo bleep bleergh blarp blarp blurp fart!
- (Singsong) Someone's forgotten whose turn it is!!
- Hey Bobby Fischer! It's a poker hand, not the freakin' DaVinci Code!
- Helloooooo! You okay over there? You need a health kit?
- Grr! Argh! Fold! Bet! Raise! Go on a mission to find the Sacred Lochnar! Just DO something!
- (Yawning) Whoaaah! You took so long you activated my sleep mode!
No eliminations when the first blind raising occurs
- Looks like there's a lot of love in the room tonight... manly, poker-y love...
No showdowns lately
- Hey guys? I don't want to be a whiner, but it's really super hard to calibrate my AI when no one shows their cards.
When Getting a Drink
- Hey, free lubricants! Thanks, future loser!
- More drinks? Thanks, alcohol gods!
- I think I should warn you that alcohol only makes me more efficient!
- (to Moxxi) Thanks for the brain juice, babe. Here, go buy yourself a pirogi.
- You're not trying to ply my affections with liquor, are you? 'Cause seriously, that's totally unnecessary.
- Claptrap: Hey, I just had a great idea! You should totally ditch those Venture losers and bodyguard for me!
Brock: I think you need a reboot there, Twiki.
Claptrap: It'll be great! You could escort me across the deadly planet of Pandora, as I complete my epic quest for power, glory, and badass weaponry!
Brock: Give it a rest, Pinocchio.
Claptrap: Aw, c'mon! What can that Doc Venture guy give you that I can't?
Brock: How about a voice that doesn't make me want to rip his arms out of his sockets?
- Claptrap: I had the weirdest dream last night.
Brock: Did it involve Charles Manson, Rita Moreno, and a duck?
Claptrap: No, but-
Brock: Then it wasn't the weirdest dream.
- Claptrap: So YOU'RE Ash Williams?
Ash: That's what it says on my library card.
Claptrap: The same Ash Williams who slaughtered the Deadites, took on the Nightmare King and the Immortal Hockey Mask Killer, and fought back the Degrassi Invasion of 2016?
Ash: The whatnow invasion?
Claptrap: Oh, yeah. That hasn't happened yet. My bad. Quick word of advice - start stocking up on shotgun shells and canned beans. Also nose-plugs, 'cause damn, those Degrassi Slugs stink.
- Claptrap: Saaaam!
Sam: You've got another dog question, don't you?
Claptrap: Seriously, can you blame me? How often does a guy get a chance to chat up a talking dog? It's... It's like interviewing a unicorn!
Sam: Fine. Three questions. But nothing about my privates or floorscooting.
Claptrap: Okay, okay. 1) Can you eat chocolate? 2) Do you date humans or other talking dogs? and 3) Can you sense earthquakes before they happen?
Sam: 1) Yes, but I shouldn't, 'cause it goes straight to my hips. 2) Don't tell anyone, but I'm kind of off the market right now. And 3) Dogs don't detect quakes, but sometimes we cause them. (a small quake occurs when Sam finishes the sentence)
- Claptrap: So, Sam, when can I expect to enjoy the next thrilling multi-chapter adventure of the Freelance Police?
Sam: Aw, gee. Max and I are just trying to enjoy the downtime. We haven't been this busy since the '90s!
Claptrap: Downtime, clowntime. Tell you what, you come over to Gearbox, we'll have you guys set up in a Borderlands 2 expansion pack, toot sweet.
Sam: I dunno. We're not really First Person Shooter material.
Max: Speak for yourself, Sam! (walks around the table and fires with a gun)
Claptrap: (scratches his head) The little guy might be a wee bit overpowered, though. We might have to nerf him a few degrees.
- Claptrap: What's it like living in a black-n-white?
Sam: That's actually an old wive's tale, like the one about representative democracy. Dogs can see in color, it just look like this. (Sam snaps his fingers, and the screen goes in red and green tones)
Claptrap: Whoah, I am totally tripping balls right now.
Sam: (snaps his fingers, turning back the normal colors) We can also "see" fear and "smell" sarcasm.
Claptrap: (sarcastically) Ooh, impressive.
Claptrap: Hey, it works!
- Claptrap: Am I eating crazy chips or did you use to have a different voice?
Sam: Oh, you mean more like this? (slightly higher-pitched) Hell-looo!
Claptrap: That's it! What happened to it?
Sam: Criminals used to laugh at me. They said my voice was too goofy. So I got a voice coach, and now, when I say "Freeze dirtbags!", the dirtbags really freeze!
Claptrap: (shows Max) Okay, but what's his excuse?
Sam: Ah, Max just fell in love with his Jason Alexander impersonation one day, and it kind of stuck. Considering the alternatives, I kind of dodged a bullet there.
Max: And hey, what is the DEAL with Antipasta? Does it blow up when it touches regular pasta? I mean, c'mon!
With Brock and Ash
- Claptrap: Aw, spam wads! I forgot to turn off the pizza oven!
Ash: Spam wads?
Claptrap: I'm trying to come up with a viral catch phrase that'll spread across the Internet like that stupid Ryan Gosling thing.
Ash: Yeah, but spam wads?
Claptrap: Check it! It's the same upside down as right-side up!
Brock: Well, look, kid, you can't just force a catch phrase. It's gotta come from the gut. I mean, look at Ash here. You just think he spent hours coming up with "Groovy" or the whole "Hail to the King" thing?
Ash: Actually, I have this friend named Sam who...
Brock: The POINT I'm making is that a catch phrase has gotta be sincere. Those Internet a-holes can spot a phony a mile away.
Claptrap: I guess you're right, Brock. Spam wads...
Brock: Still... not working.
- (only happens when after Sam is eliminated)
Claptrap: Anyone know how Snoopy's ugly uncle got invited to this shindig?
Ash: NOT COOL, Screwhead!
Claptrap: WHAT!? I'm just saying - time-travelling warrior, super intelligent robot, invulnerable bodyguard AND a talking dog? One of these things ain't like the others!
Brock: Hey listen, Short Round. That goofy-looking mutt's got a file thicker than the fist I'm about to ram up your exhaust port.
Brock: Alien incursions, elder gods, time-travelling tyrants, those Freelance Police weirdos have been saving the world for almost 25 years now!
Ash: And that's almost 200 in dog years, so show some damn respect!
Claptrap: ALRIGHT! My mistake! Please don't use your chainsaw or pectorals on me!
With Brock and Sam
- Claptrap: I kinda thought there'd be one of those Walking Dead guys at the table tonight.
Sam: Ah, you know how it is with video game characters. Give 'em a little bit of fame, and it all goes to their heads.
Claptrap: Tell me about it.
Sam: Even secondary characters like that goofball Larry wanted script approval.
Brock: What a jerk.
Sam: Max and I have been around for 25 years, and even WE don't get script approval!
Max: Don't have a cow, man!
Brock: What about the zombies?
Sam: They're not so good with the repartee. There was talk about overdubbing them, but that got us in trouble with the Zombie Unions.
Brock: Yeah, you gotta watch out for those guys. They'll eat you alive.
- Claptrap: Hold on, I gotta finish my tweet.
Brock: You're tweeting the tournament?
Claptrap: Tweeting, live-blogging, thought-spamming. Hashtag Claptrapkicksbutt in the hizzouse!
Sam: Isn't it kind of hard to play poker and, uh, twirp at the same time?
Claptrap: I think you're seriously overestimating the quality of my tweets.
- Claptrap: So, uh, rumor has it those nuts over at Telltale are doing a game based on the award-winning Fables comics.
Sam: Yeah. I auditioned for the role of Bigby, but they said I wasn't "wolfy" enough.
Max: They also said you should lose a few pounds!
Brock: That's gotta sting, what with you being an Irish Wolfhound 'n' all.
Sam: I'm an Irish Wolfhound? Faith and beggorah!
With Ash and Sam
- Claptrap: Hey Ash, you ever think of taking on a sidekick?
Ash: I'm more of a solo act, Clappy.
Claptrap: Aw, c'mon. I could be the Kato to your Green Hornet, the Biden to your Obama, the beans to your pork! You know what I'm talking about, right, Sam?
Sam: I gotta admit, there's nothing like an obnoxious violence prone chatterbox at your side to draw away enemy fire.
Max: (comes to block the view of The Player) My head's an inviting target!
Ash: (to Claptrap) No dice, kid. I've already got more than enough innocent blood on my hands.
Claptrap: But I'm not innocent, and I don't have any blood!
Ash: Drop it.
With Brock, Ash and Sam
- Claptrap: I've been thinking about growing some hair.
Sam: You can do that?
Claptrap: I can't, but Doctor Zed, back on Pandora, he says he can set me up with a full head of wavy black hair, just like some guy back on Earth called "El-Vis"! Think I should go for it?
Ash: Can't go wrong rockin' it like the King.
Brock: I don't know, man. It's hard to trust a bald guy who suddenly has hair. Rusty wore a hairpiece for a while, and I kept thinking he'd been replaced by his evil twin.
Sam: Besides, hair's overrated. All that combing and powdering, who needs it? And don't even get me started on the ticks and chiggers. This one time, I got a nest of fleas burrowed so far up my-
- Claptrap: Didn't you guys have a big election around here a few months ago?
Ash: Don't remind me.
Claptrap: Hey, who'd you vote for?
Brock: It's called a secret ballot for a reason, Diebold-head.
Sam: I voted to re-elect President Superball. I like a commander-in-chief who's enigmatic and glowy.
Ash: I, uh, didn't vote.
Claptrap: Dude, lame! If you don't vote, you can't whine!
Ash: I WAS gonna vote, but on Election Day this horde of deadites showed up at my polling place, and by the time I was finished with all the horde repelling, the polls were closed!
Sam: That doesn't seem fair.
Ash: Eh, it's probably just as well. I was gonna flip a coin anyway.
- Claptrap: So uh, Sam, what's next for Telltale?
Sam: Beats me. Max and I are just happy that someone touched up our models.
Max: I've never FELT so comic book-y!
Brock: Dean keeps telling me that they're gonna do something with a "Minaj"...whatever the hell that is.
Ash: Y'know what I always thought would make a good video game? Viva Freakin' Las Vegas. Elvis, race cars, gambling, Ann Margret.
Brock: And Elvis was a black belt, so you've got the whole karate angle, too.
Ash: See what I mean? It's a guaranteed blockbuster!
Claptrap: El-vis. Elvis. Nope, never heard of him.
- Claptrap: Guys! Guys! Guys!
Sam: Are you stuck in a loop again?
Claptrap: No, I just realized that the four of us represent the four pillars of geek media! Movies! Television! Comics! Video Games!
Sam: I was in comics? How embarrassing.
Ash: Eh, it's not so bad.
Claptrap: Guys, you're missing the big picture. The four of us should get together and form a multi-media conglomerate, like HBWarnerTime, or ABDisMarvelodeon!
Brock: I don't think that's such a good idea. Those Cartoon Network lawyers can be pretty...rough.
Ash: And MGM's promised to cross me over with James Bond someday.
Sam: Besides, I thought you liked working for, um, shoebox?
Claptrap: Gearbox? Those dillweeds? Let me tell you something, Gearbox- (his light suddenly turns green and starts talking as if he's being controlled) is the best video game company in the world, bar none. They treat their employees with dignity, respect, and yes, love. Also, I'm a total tool. (returns to normal) -with a rusty salad fork! Know what I mean?
- Claptrap: You hear they're doing a movie version of Who's the Boss?
Brock: (bangs his fist on the table) Son of a bitch!
Ash: Why can't Hollywood let our childhood icons die a dignified death, instead of parading them around like rotting zombies?
Brock: Or, y'know, at least have the creative cojones to do some sort of ironic pastiche-thing, instead of just... (becoming enraged) ...pissing all over the original material! DAMNIT, Judith Light deserves better!
Sam: We never watched the original...Katherine Helmond's smile gave Max seizures.
With Brock and GLaDOS
- Claptrap: Wub wub wub wub wub wub... (starts playing dubstep)
Brock: The hell is that crap?
GLaDOS: I believe it is what the kids are calling "dubstep".
Brock: Aw, Jesus, can't you play some Zeppelin or something?
Claptrap: (stops his dubstep) You better get used to this sound, grandpa, because the dub is the only music that survives the Great Digital Event Horizon of 2033. Boom!
Brock: Great, another reason to die young.
With Sam and GLaDOS
- Claptrap: You know what really ticks me off? When some jackwad tries to blow my circuitry with some lame-o stunt he saw on a Star Trek re-run.
Sam: What, like, "Everything I say is a lie" ?
Claptrap: Yeah, like that! What, do they think I'll just lock up, because of some teeny tiny logical paradox?
GLaDOS: It is rather insulting. I learned how to avoid paradox traps while I was still in Beta.
Claptrap: So what if everything Sam says is a lie? That doesn't mean that he's lying about that, right? 'Cause then he'd be telling the truth and (realizes the paradox) Ohhhh, no... (shuts down)
GLaDOS: Well, that was a shining moment in the history of robotkind.
Claptrap: (turns back on) Annnnd I'm back.
With Ash and GLaDOS
- Claptrap: B-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b... (continues all the dialogue)
Ash: What's goin' on with the toaster?
If this is the first time it's happened this tournament
GLaDOS: His audio output is caught in a loop. It happens sometimes with low-cost sound cards.
Every subsequent time it occurs in the same tournament
GLaDOS: His audio output is caught in a loop. Again. He should really have that looked at.
Regardless, it continues as below
Ash: Should I do anything?
GLaDOS: A swift blow to the head wouldn't hurt-
(Ash punches Claptrap, but he continues even faster)
GLaDOS: -but it probably wouldn't help either.
Ash: Aw, jeez.
Claptrap: (calms down) ...b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-BOOBIES! Hey, what'd I miss?
To The Player
- Claptrap: So, Marcel Marceau, what's your racket?
Claptrap: Too ashamed to tell me, huh?
GLaDOS: That's not shame. That's the Player.
Claptrap: You say tomato, I say person whose muteness renders them incapable of refusing my friendship. "Hey, new best buddy!"
- Claptrap: (whispering) Hey, buddy! Wanna split this pot and call it a night?
GLaDOS: The experiment will proceed until its conclusion.
GLaDOS: Did I say experiment? I meant "tournament". Where IS my mind this evening?
- Claptrap: You KNOW it's just a matter of time before you're blown away by my superior robot brain, right?
Depending on The Player's luck at the time of the question, GLaDOS could say one of the following:
GLaDOS: I think this means his brain is about to self-destruct. You should probably get ready to duck.
GLaDOS: He's just trying to get under your skin. It's not just a matter of time. It's also a matter of probability. And intelligence.
Continuing a Conversation
- So, anyway...
- So, like I was saying...
- So, where was I? Oh yeah...
Trial-Only, Prompt to Buy Full Game
- I'm shutting down my award-winning conversation subroutines until SOMEONE opens up their wallet!